Wide open spaces

I've got a lot on my mind tonight... and no idea where to start... I've really been liking meeting with a counselor every couple weeks. It's nice to have someone who actually listens to me... to have an hour where I can talk all about my life and what's wrong... and not have to feel guilty about it. I hate how selfish I feel/sound when I want something to be about me.. I just don't get it a lot.. although my parents will tell you differently.

I have to take back some things I said in my last post... cause tonight I've been really missing Zach... I'm not sure why... No one has ever made me feel the way he did when we were together. I never knew what I wanted in a man until I met him... he met criteria I didn't even knew I had.. I could completely be myself.. now I'm just a freak of a mess he's felt behind. Who is going to fall in love with a person like this? Who will love someone who is overly emotional and untrusting? I'd been repairing my heart for quite some time and now I feel like I'm having to start over again... My heart feels like it will never be whole again... who wants someone with a shattered heart?

I'm so sick of living with my parents. I miss my freedom. Having to move back in, again, made me feel like a failure... again. I feel like I'm always failing at things.. and I'm always doing things on my own. I'm hoping to get out of here for good next time... which is why I'm hoping to find a part time job so I can save up even more money... to create a bigger safety net so I won't end up back here again. Hopefully by the end of summer I will be able to start looking for apartments again..

I just have to remember I'm taking (small) steps forward... towards my goals...

Somebody that I used to know.

I don't really miss him anymore... I miss who I thought he was, how he made me feel and my plans for our future... but I don't miss him. He's a liar and she's a whore, they are perfect for eachother.. he can go play house/family with her and her kids all he wants.. I do not want someone like that in my life.. Now all I have to do is repair the damage and move on... which is easier said than done.

I've been getting better. I'm ok with my life for the most part. I mean, I hate living with my parents in Iowa... but I have a good job, great friends and I'm starting to love my body and who I am as a person. Now I just want to find someone who loves me for me. Is that a hard thing to do? Is surely seems so... for me anyway.

It's going to be a big step for me to trust someone now.. I'm scared as hell to put myself out there again. I don't want to get hurt... It sucks because I know what I want... and some of those things require a partner.. Mostly, though, I just want to have someone to lean on, depend on, share life with, love, and wake up next to in the morning...

Everything in life is about choices. We have free will for a reason and we are able to chose our own destiny. I don't think our life can be pre-determined... there's just no way. I've made choices that have led me to where I am in life... so why do I keep complaining about where I'm at? It's my fault I'm here. It's what I chose, right?

I need someone to prove all men aren't like him...

Time marches on

Well it's been a week. Back at home... back at work... back at Kosama. Work pretty much sucked all last week. I'm not sure if it was just because I'd been gone for a week or that it was just that crazy.. Being at home, as always, is just ok. I'm here.. I have to be here. It just sucks. Kosama has been great though. I worked out 5 days last week.. first time I did that in a VERY long time. I didn't get up to go workout on Saturday morning, though, cause I wanted to naturally wake up, which ended up being at like 8.. but instead I got in a few miles on our treadmill at home.. even running a couple. It felt great. I haven't ran in almost a year due to some injuries so I was really happy about that. I'm going to start doing it more often I think.

Friday night I hung out with a guy I met online. I'm still not so sure what I think of online dating.. even though I've been "doing it" for several years now. Why can't I just meet people normally?? But anyway, I went to his house (which is usually a NO for the first meeting...) because he just had his tonsils taken out so he can't really go out or do anything right now, and we watched a movie. I was really nervous... but it was really good. We talked and had a good time. Now from past experience I'm not getting my hopes up.. not getting attached.. trying not to really even care about it. He's a really nice, super sweet guy.. Likes horses. :) So we'll see what happens.. hopefully I'll get to see him again.. soon.

On a deeper level.. I'm still feeling hurt.. lost.. confused.. angry.. bitter.. unsure.. alone... I just wish life gave clear answers... I wish I knew what I was supposed to do about everything. I know I'm the biggest thing holding me back from taking risks and chances... but I just don't want to get hurt again.. and I don't want to fail. I've retreated back into my shell pretty far this time and it's going to take a lot to pry me out this time. I've put up bigger, stronger walls around my heart. I'm the only one that protect me. But what if by protecting myself I'm really just keeping myself from greatness? What if I'm just standing in my own way of my destiny? Destiny. Is there such a thing? What is my purpose? My destiny? Where do I belong?

Three people I know got engaged recently. It's just not fair... But, Aimee, life's not fair... right? When is it going to be my turn? I know I need to be patient and let life take on it's course.. there's someone.. something better out there for me... blah blah blah.. I've heard it all a million times. I want my fairytale. There. I said it. I'm like every other girl out there who fell in love with fairytales... expecting them to come true... expecting it to be real life. But I know it's not.. though deep down I still cling to that childhood fantasy.. I want to fall in love... and have someone fall in love with me back. Is that too much to ask for? Seems like it...

I'm back...

I got back to Iowa yesterday evening... I cried a little leaving San Diego... and watching the ocean get smaller and smaller... Strange to think of the ocean as small.. I spent all week marveling at it's vastness... it's greatness.. I felt so small and so insignificant.

I did a lot of thinking in California.. a lot. I'm pretty sure I went there to get away from this mess I'm living in... and to heal. I thought being away could heal me.. I've come back more hurt and confused than before I left.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being there and I LOVED the relaxation and time to myself and with my family there... and I LOVED seeing another part of the country... but I feel so lost. so alone. Who am I and what am I doing here?? What am I doing with my life? I've lived in the same town; in the same house my entire life.. I live in a sheltered little box.. in this stupid town. I want to leave so badly, but I just feel so stuck. Where would I go? I don't really have much money... What would I do? I don't have a degree...

I felt like Zach and I were in the same place at the same time for a reason.. things felt different.. it felt so right.. We knew each other years ago and were brought back together... for this? I finally felt like I was still in the town for a reason, that I'd found what I'd been missing... what I'd been searching for... wrong again.. Now what? I don't know where to go from here... what to do.. I want out. I want out bad...

Getting on that plane and coming back to this hell hole.. to this town full of memories and pain... it sucked.

I want to find answers.. I want to find purpose. I want to find happiness.. I want to find love.. but who could ever love someone as messed up as me? Who can I even trust? People lie... cheat... steal...

The only person I can count on is me...

Tails California...

Well... I'm minutes away from leaving... I will be heading out to Omaha here shortly for my flight to San Diego. I can't believe it's here already... seems like I've been waiting FOREVER! I'm a little nervous, I haven't flown in about 3 years... and never out of Omaha.. It's ok though, I can handle it.

I can't wait to see my uncle and cousins... I can't wait to see palm trees and the beach... I can't wait to not be in Iowa.. to not have to work.. to not have to think about all the shit that's happened... It took awhile for it to hit me this morning.. and for me to wake up. I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA!!! I still can't really believe it...

I hope this trip is as rejuvenating and refreshing... and relaxing as I'm anticipating. I need a break.. from everything.. I hope I get to meet new people and experience great things. I'm open.. to it all right now. Nothing is holding me back.. for the first time in my life.. I'm completely free..

It's time for me to let go...

I still stumble.

My life is so up and down... I'm seeing the effects alcohol is having on me.. and I'm not liking who I am when I decide to get super drunk... Recently I've hurt people that really care about me due to my carelessness when I've been drinking... I don't know why I do it... well, I do know why but I hate that reason too. I didn't even see Zach over the weekend, just his friends, and I still lost it.. still got drunk.. still got upset... I'm not sure what it is.. the fact that I see them and they remind me of him.. or the look they give me... the look of "you thought you were really going to be with him?" or the fact that some of them have to be an ass... I am better and stronger.... I am stronger... and I will be ok.... I just wish it was easier right now.

I talked to my Uncle Dan and cousins tonight... I can't wait for Saturday when I can board that plane... and fly. I can't wait to see them and I can't wait to relax, unwind and just be free...  It's going to be so much fun getting to spend a whole week with them. I seriously can't wait...

I'm so lucky for the friends I have in my life... Even when I mess up.. they still care.. I fall down and they help pick me up..

State of Confusion

I don't really know how I'm feeling right now... I feel confused... and alone. I don't really think I miss Zach right now, I just miss who he was... or who I thought he was... I miss how I felt when I was with him... and the way I felt when he looked at me... I want to have that again... I want to find the real thing. But I'm so scared. I honestly don't know how to trust someone now.

I've been so up and down since I saw him a couple weeks ago.. it just hurts so damn much. I don't know what to think... or do. Every time I get my heart broken... I never feel like it will get any better... and then eventually it does... but then I end up getting hurt worse than the time before.. Why can't I find more? I deserve better... Sometimes I really think something is wrong with me... why can't anyone fall in love with me? I just want to be loved...

I feel like I ramble on and on about the same things here... glad it's only for my eyes to read.... I can't say any of this to anyone else and not feel stupid or judged.

I am OK with being single right now, really I am. For the first time ever...
I don't know... I want this nightmare to be over....

St. Patty's Day..

Last weekend was St. Patrick's Day weekend.. never celebrated it before... I went down to Maryville, Missouri to visit my friend Julie.. and had a blast. I haven't had that much carefree fun in... so, so long... My mind was so clear and soooo not in Iowa. I can't even describe the feeling. I probably got way too drunk... but I don't care. Made out with guys... and who knows what else.. It was so fun!

Coming back was not so great... It's like as soon as I crossed the boarder...all the shit in my life came back. I want to go away and never come back.. can I please?? They are in "love".. really? You have to post that shit? She's so fucking ugly... I hate her... I hate this all. I have guys coming out of the woodwork who are interested in my and I could care less.. I'm not interested in anything... I don't want to be with anyone... I. Don't. Care. I'm not really liking the person I've been really... not really caring about anything... drinking more than I should... I just don't know what to do.

I am 11 days away from my vacation.. 11 days away from freedom... from getting out of this hell hole..  I cannot wait to get out of here for more than just a few days.... to see the ocean... to relax... to melt away all this crap... I can't wait to just forget... I hope I can forget...

Life's a dance..

I'm not even sure what to write about tonight...I just know I haven't written in awhile.. I'm sad tonight and I don't know why... I started crying on the way home from Larissa's house... I miss him. Still.. but why?? Ever since I saw him Saturday night I feel like I've taken a few steps back in my progress. I know he was with her... but I don't know, I still miss what we had and how I felt when I was with him... when he held me.

I'm so lost right now. I don't know how he could do this to me... I don't understand how he's ok with everything... with lying to me. Why am I not enough? I've asked this question SO many times...

I want to get in my car and just drive.. forever. I'm taking a trip down to Missouri on Friday to see a friend for the weekend... I think the car ride will be good for me, but it will be lots of time to think...which I do too much of already. I don't know... I can't wait to get away from here. I feel like I do a good job of keeping myself busy and avoiding everything that's happened... but is that really a good thing? I should be facing everything... I should be fighting...

I'm so exhausted.

I don't even know where to begin... I've been doing so well. I've been back to Kosama... and feeling pretty good. Finally got to go back to my friend Larissa's for girls night on Wednesday to watch One Tree Hill. I'm so glad we're still friends. We have been through a lot together over the years... Friday night, Larissa and I went out to see one of her coworker's band play. Her and I haven't gone out just us in a long time.... and Sarah met up with us later. It was a lot of fun. It felt like the old days again... back before weddings and babies and... life..

It's not that I'd like to go back in life... cause I can't anyway... but there are some things about those days that I miss.. a lot. Everything seemed simple then. It was high school.. everyone was in high school.. taking classes... going to prom.. thinking about college... Now it feels like the only thing we have in common is our age... some of us are married... having babies... working.. still in school... traveling.. I feel so disconnected. I feel stuck.

Saturday night I went out with Bekha... on her date... He was supposed to bring his roommate... but he backed out. We went to a bar none of us had been to before. There was band playing and we were probably the youngest people there! It was nice, but I don't think we were feeling it... so he suggested Miss Kitty's... I don't turn that down, plus I would have a chance to maybe find someone to talk to.... boy did the night have other plans for me...

I was drinking, but not planning on drinking too much... a group of girls that are in Zach's circle of friends walked in... I was ok with it, I could handle that... then 'she' walked in... and so did he and ALL his friends... I wanted to throw up. Of course he had to be all over her... and of course they had to congregate near the bar where my tab was open... suddenly my drink just wasn't strong enough.. my drinking increased... I found a hot bull rider....YES, he was a bull rider.... and danced with him. She is so fucking ugly. I looked really, really good... He looked like shit.. just to be honest. They don't look good together... at all. There was one point where I knew for sure he saw me.. Fuck him. My night was going downhill fast... Then his best friend Cody saw me... he raised his beer bottle to "cheers" me... so I did and tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to say something to me.. then he came over.. He asked me how I've been. All I could say was "super"... he looked pretty sincere and somewhat concerned, but I still thought it was rude. (but I was drunk...) then he said "it's good to see you" and I said "you too..." and he walked away... Why did he have to say anything?? He was the ONLY one. and I know they ALL saw me... I had the my counseling session Friday night and she told me to get over him I would eventually have to see him.... I just didn't expect it to be that soon.. and with her... I just kept drinking.. I'm not quite sure how I held it all together...

We eventually left and Bekha drove me home.. I had barely gotten out of her car before the tears started falling... they fell harder and harder as I changed into my pajamas... I noticed my younger sister, Alyssa's lights were still on in her room. I walked in and she saw I was crying and she asked what happen... I told her that I saw him there with her... and the flood of tears just came... she held me as I cried.. and cried. I hadn't cried like that in weeks... It was SO draining... Today I just feel exhausted... physically exhausted... mentally exhausted... emotionally exhausted.. I just hope after this it gets easier. He looked bad.. she looked bad... thank God. I don't know what he sees in her... what he's thinking.. it's so frustrating... it's so hard.

I have 20 days until I leave for San Diego... It's not coming fast enough. I need to leave this place.. I need to get out of here... I'm barely hanging on...

Going through the motions...

Every day is a new battle... or a new day... I'm constantly just reminding myself.. "get through today". I live by the minute... I have trouble thinking too far into the future because I can barely hold it together right now. I can't believe how up and down I still am.. I unfortunately still see his stupid facebook page and every stupid thing she posts or tags him in... I hate it, but I can't bring myself to delete him.. I'm an idiot. I really don't know how I will ever get past this situation...the lying.. it just hurts so damn bad.

On another note... I've had 3 days of great workouts this week. I always feel SO much better afterwards...should be motivation to continue and keep it up. I'm just going to have to figure out on some days how to fit working out back into my life with my new-found social life! Ha. I don't want to give up my standing plans w/the girls (because I need them just as much as the workouts)... but I need to make sure I workout every day too.. This may mean some early morning workouts in my future, but I have to do it. I have to stay active and help my self esteem. I need to like what I see when I look in the mirror... I need to love myself...

Lately I've been "feeling good" and being ok...and "happier"... I sometimes feel like I'm being too fake... like "fake it till ya make it" kinda thing... but I have to do it. Otherwise I'd be a mess all the time. I have to make others think I'm ok, cause hopefully I'll convince myself that I'm ok... Wouldn't you think that works? If I tell myself I'm happy and ok, sooner or later I should actually be, right? Not many will ever know how badly I'm breaking on the inside and how damaged I am now... I put up my walls and put up a front... I'm strong. But once I'm all alone....

Today is a new day

Today was such a great day... Yes, I said GREAT! It was 70 degrees outside today... yes, on March 6th, it was 70 degrees!! Tuesdays at work in the west office usually kind of suck.... today was pretty good. Got in a good walk with a coworker over lunch... then went on a long walk after work with some good friends/coworkers... then got back to Kosama for upper body and abs!! It felt SO great!!

I've just felt very empowered recently.... I'm as "ok" with being single as I can be. Trying to just do me and figure out my life. I don't even know how to describe how I feel... I still have my issues... but I feel so much better. I feel happy again... as happy as I can be.

In a way I still feel kind of stuck here in Iowa. I want to travel. I want to see the world... if I'm single I might as well take advantage of opportunities. I hate it when people tell me that I have so much time and I'm so young... I'm trying to embrace it right now, though it's hard. I know I'm technically "young" but I know what I want and I hate waiting for it... I learn more and more that I can't plan my life.. I don't really have control over how my life plays out.. it's a kind of frustrating, but in a way, kind of exciting, too. I can't wait for my future... but I don't want to miss the present...

Stronger...

Today felt pretty good... it was probably one of the better days I've had in a while emotionally. I didn't feel as consistently down and had some good revelation thoughts on some things... It's a given that I think about everything all the time... way too much.. I'm just trying to figure all this out. Figure out how I feel.. and where to go from here... how to move forward.

Tonight on The Bachelor was the "women tell all" episode. There are two girls left and this is the week before the "final rose" and all the women who have been sent home come back and pretty much bitch and talk about everything that has happened.... One of the final two girls' names is Courtney. She is a major bitch and everyone hates her. She's rude and mean and just plain hateful.. No one can understand why Ben (the bachelor) is still with her and what he sees in her. She doesn't get along with anyone and is extremely fake...

Anyways.... one of the girls said something about the situation with Ben and Courtney that really made me think... She said something to the likes of "If that's the type of person you're going to fall for, you are not the person I want". Kiiiinda hit me like a ton of bricks... Now I don't know much about this Jessica bitch that Zach is dating...except for the things he told me (which never made her seem that great...) and I've seen on facebook, but if that's what he's looking for.. if that's the type of person he wants to spend forever with... then I was totally in the wrong... he's not who I thought he was at all.. which is sad and disappointing.

I'm getting stronger in getting past this situation and trying to move forward... even though I have no idea where I'm going now... but the thing I can't get past is the lying... he was soooo thorough with the lying and saying not to worry about her, I wanna be with you; I like you... Lied to my fucking face... multiple times about her... pisses me off.  I don't know how a person does that.. how they can live with themselves doing that to an innocent, honest, caring person.. Sickens me.

Part of me... deep down.. likes to think he's really that person I fell for in the beginning. He's really a nice guy, with a good head on his shoulders, a family man... hard working.. gentleman..  but what he's done to me kind of clouds that over. Is he just wanting a little fun? You don't do that with a person who has children... I'm sorry that's wrong on both their parts.. Don't involve kids.. Stupid. Or is this really someone he sees himself with in the long run? If it is... there HAS to be something better out there... there just has to be...

I'm not looking for it right now. I don't even want it to find me right now. I don't want to think about opening up to someone or getting in to a relationship with someone right now... it makes me sick, actually. But I do eventually want it.. badly. I just hope I don't lose hope... lose faith in men... in honesty. It's going to take awhile for me to trust someone again...

Where do I go from here?

First of all, I'm so tired of being sick. I've been on meds for a sinus infection for over a week now... still feel like crap. Started getting an ear ache yesterday... so I've been using some drops... Woke up today with pain/burning feeling in my left eye that could possibly be the start of pink eye?? What the hell? I'm just soooo tired of it all..

I'm also really tired of being "strong". I've been putting on this front like everything is ok, I tell everyone I'm ok... I feel like I have to.. Who really wants to listen to me go over and over about how I don't understand this and I miss him and I can't believe he lied to me and on and on... NO ONE! I don't really feel like anyone cares about that. They all think... run for your life.. stay away from him... he's an ass... you're better without him... blah blah blah... What about what this has done to me? How do I move on? It's constantly in the back of my mind.

I can't wait for my vacation.. Hopefully I'll have time to just do me... soul searching time. Find some time to just... break down.. I need to completely fall apart before I can get it together. I cry here and there.. I rant occasionally to those who will listen... but I have yet to just crumble.. (openly) inside I'm just a mess and falling apart and I don't know what to do.

It's starting to see that this whole blog is about this shit hole my life has become and what I've gone through... I blog about it daily.. no wonder my friends don't want to hear my yak on and on about it... it's kind of annoying, but I can't help it. I've starting going to a church downtown... I like it and the people are really nice, I'm just still not sure where I can with God. I'm angry and upset... But I guess it's a start... I'm searching..

Rolling in the deep....

Tonight I had some good girl time with my friend/coworker, April.. We like to go to Miss Kitty's on Thursday's for their dance lessons. Tonight, though, we didn't do much dancing. We just talked over a drink, which was MUCH needed. On both ends. She's a really good friend and I'm glad I have her in my life. She's easy to talk to and fun to be with.. I think I'm really starting to get out there and figure out who my friends really are...and be more social.

There is a big song out right now by an artist (who is amazing) Adele...called "Rolling in the Deep". I used to hate this song. The radio stations played it over and over and I just could not stand listening to it..... until the night I heard her perform it live on the Grammy's. I actually listened to the words to this song...and it's my life. It's about a girl that gets played. She gave her all to this guy and all her love, and he just played her... I'm constantly in that position...

I'm so scared to trust a guy again. Right now, I've been back in the online dating world...chatting with 4 or 5 different guys..not really caring too much if the do or don't keep the conversations going... because I'm not looking for something serious... not looking for anything more than friends and having fun... That's another thing... since when did wanting to "have fun" start to me "I want to jump into bed with you and have sex immediately"?? That's seems to be what ALL guys are looking for... At least Zach was decent enough never to pressure me or push the situation... Can't there be more guys like that? Apparently guys don't have morals...and I feel like they think girls shouldn't either... We should just want to have sex with any guy... It's sad...to be honest..

It's hard to still find good in people these days...

Getting through the stages...

I've been feeling a lot of different emotions lately...but tonight I felt anger. This was my third day back at Kosama and it was kickboxing.. and it was intense. I beat the living shit out of that bag tonight... and all could see was Zach's face...and that stupid little bitch's too.. It felt so good. Makes me a little mad that I hadn't been doing it for the past 6 weeks... I'm just trying to look up...

I want to feel better. I really do.. But sometimes I wonder if I'm purposely bringing myself down...purposely reminding myself of how great I had it for such a short time.. I'm so scared to feel that again, though. How will I know when it's real? How will I know the truth...ever? I don't know how to trust again. The past four years have just sucked a lot out of me emotionally. I feel so cheap.

I haven't prayed in about four years either. When things ended with Austin..I was so upset, so mad and hurt... I blamed God a lot. How could He take something like that from me? Ever since then I just keep getting shit on and I don't know what to believe in anymore. I like to think I'm a good person, so why don't I feel like I'm getting what I deserve? Why do I see others who cheat and abuse people/things/relationships getting the things I so desperately want out of life..?

I'm so envious of so many others... I know that's not a good thing, but I can't help it. So many others seem to get what I want. Why can't I get it, too? Why do I have to constantly get hurt and feel broken while others find purpose and meaning in their lives? When is it going to be my turn? I feel so stuck... so useless. I feel like this blob just moving around doing mundane things day in and day out. I feel like I'm going nowhere..

Free will kind of sucks...sometimes...

God gave us free will.. and for that I really am grateful... Sometimes it just sucks. You can't make someone love you, but then, why would you want to? I'd rather just have someone love me because they want to, yet it would make things easier...

Today was an awful morning at work. Just awful. I was so frustrated, irritated, annoyed...I could have just thrown up.. Why are people so rude? Especially when they are asking you for HELP? I don't know what I would do without my coworkers... they are so awesome and we can always vent and laugh about things together. It's so nice...

I miss him. I could have used one of his strong, comforting hugs today.... Miss him like crazy... I'd like to think he's really happy with her... and I'm guessing right now he probably is. I just see him getting hurt in the long run with her... I don't see it playing out in his favor. But that's not really for me to have an opinion on. I don't want to see him get hurt again. He deserves so much... I don't know why I'm constantly thinking about what's good for him and how I hope he's ok... what about me? That's the kind of person I am. I care more about others than I do about myself.... what good comes from that? nothing... Who's there to care about me? To make sure I'm ok? Most of the time I don't feel like anyone really cares. I don't advertise my hurt because that's stupid, but my close friends who know what I'm going through... don't ask if I'm ok. They check in to see how I'm doing.. and that hurts...

I started back at Kosama yesterday...after 6 weeks off. It kicked my ass...literally. I needed it, too. I'm going to try and stick with it through my paid term...through June. Then I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe join a gym. I feel like my weight is one thing in my life I have control over.... 

I'm not sure what to write about right now... I shed a few tears tonight for the first time in awhile... so that's improvement. I no longer cry everyday... but I still miss him everyday. Why can't I stop thinking about him..? or writing about him? I feel like he was a once in a lifetime kind of person... Why wasn't I good enough?? Why am I NEVER good enough??

Do I burn his bridge? Do I try to totally forget him and give up and move on? If so, how? I've never really burned a bridge like that before.. I always hold out hope... I always want it to work out in the end... I want him... still.. I suck..

I think it's time for bed....

Am I Lovable?

I was watching The Bachelor tonight and it really made me think... These girls are all falling in love with the same guy...who in return can't express his feelings until the very end. So in a sense, it's all one-sided. I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships have been. Do I just not see the faults? Or the signs? Why does it all feel so perfect and then one day there's nothing?

I haven't been sleeping well...or focusing well. A friend told me to find a good book to read. I went to Target yesterday and bought "Wicked". It took me roughly 30 minutes to get through the prologue...I couldn't concentrate. My mind was racing. I'm currently on a medication steroid for my sinus infection that is like caffeine.. The other night I literally had to just lay in bed, close my eyes and tell myself to concentrate on my breathing. That's the only way I fell asleep...otherwise my mind was racing..

I dream about Zach a lot. In every dream he comes back to me, says just what I want to hear...but I make him work for it. IF he ever did figure out the mistake he made.... IF he ever does miss me... It's going to take a lot for me to trust him again. I just don't understand where the lies came from... or when they started. I've never pictured a life with someone so much before. He's just everything I've ever wanted... that I didn't even know existed. He's such a good man. He's vulnerable. He's strong. Loves family. Loves to laugh... Where can I find that again? I didn't even know someone could be like that...

The past two guys I have loved: one knows I've loved him, but he's never loved me back.. we've been good friends and that is all it will ever be. And then with Zach, I was really starting to fall in love with him. He made me so happy every day. I loved being with him and talking to him...and kissing him. He really made everything better. But he didn't know how hard I was falling... Is that my fault? Should I have said something more? Why can't I ever fall in love "with" someone...? I'm always the brokenhearted one... I'm always left... I'm always  hurt.

Guys have a saying: "Good guys finish last". I've been thinking a lot about this lately.... In a way I guess it could be true... but what about good girls? I feel like I don't even get a chance because I'm "good". I'm honest; have morals; care SO much; I'm funny; want a family....I feel like I'm the complete package. Yes, I'm a virgin. Honestly I think that's where most guys get turned off, or think differently of me. Zach said that was never an issue... he "liked me for more than that"...and it wasn't all about sex.... I don't know if I believe that now... I don't know what to believe about anything.. But why can't a good, honest girl like me ever get someone? Guys just want slutty girls who will push themselves at guys and offer them anything and will do ANYTHING to be with them. That's so wrong... Guys get so distracted by the physical and the glossed over appearance of it all..they forget what's real I think.

Right now the thought of being with someone..dating or whatever....just makes me sick, honestly. I'm very closed off right now.. don't want to be personal with anybody. (I suppose I do want to be with Zach....but that's something different...and would take a LOT of time to work out...) I want to fall in love. I want to be a wife (because I think I would be a great one) and I really, really want to be a mom. But right now, trusting and opening up to someone yet again, makes me sick... I don't want to go through another one-sided relationship, where I think everything is perfect and he really loves being with me and everything he says is pure honesty and I think he's falling for me... but that's what it ends up as and so I don't even want to let that be an option. But I do want answers...

I'm in a constant state of "I don't know"....

Your blue sweatshirt gives me the blues....

I really wish I was good at keeping up with this blog... since my last entry about 5 months ago my life has gone from great to devastating in one fowl swoop... It's hard to recap it now, but I'm going to try. It would be better if I just kept at this thing regularly...but that's another issue..

On Sept, 23 2011 I ran into someone downtown that will forever change my life.. his name is Zach. Zach and I lived down the street from each other and rode the bus together in elementary school...I also had a pretty big crush on him back in the day... We hadn't seen each other in yeeeears... I'm surprised I recognized him. After the initial night in the bar we hung out quite often, talked on the phone, and texted each other nonstop. He's unlike anyone I'd ever met...

3 months prior, Zach's finance had cheated on him and they broke off their engagement, which was to be in October 2011. He said he wasn't ready for anything serious, which I was ok with, but he loved being with me.. He was so sweet...very respectful; a gentleman. We spent a lot of time together and would often go to his parent's house for dinner on Sunday afternoons. I would stay over at his place on the weekends, in the mornings he was just sweet. He'd tell me he loved waking up next to me and wanted me to just stay with him. He was the best kisser...the kind that cupped my face in his hand as he did so. Gave strong hugs. He could always make me laugh...and had the most amazing smile....

After a couple months he started hanging out with another girl...who was "just a friend". She was in the middle of a divorce (not yet final) with 3 little boys. He kept telling me she was just a friend, he didn't want to be involved with someone who had children because he didn't want to be a step-dad...and so on and so forth... I began to grow insecure and questioned his feelings for me on occasion. He would always reassure me that she was just a friend, he didn't like her the way he liked me and I had nothing to worry about.... but apparently I did...

A couple days after Christmas (after a perfect weekend together) he flipped out. Told me he was not in a good place and was confused and didn't know what he wanted...didn't want to lose me, but wanted to "take a break and be friends". Needless to say, I was crushed. Spent about a day and a half in bed, crying. What had gone wrong? Where was this coming from? I never pushed him to be more or to be serious... I was there for him when he was having a hard time with things. I was understanding...but I didn't understand this. I gave us a week apart. Let him go on his boys weekend trip and let myself think... When he came back he wanted to get together and we did. It was like nothing changed. He made me laugh...was super sweet. We had a great time. Two weeks went by before I saw him again...which frustrated me. This time we hung out at his place, made a pizza and watched a movie. Everything seemed normal...but I knew I needed to confront the issues that been eating away at me for nearly 3 weeks... where did we stand? what was going on?

That's when he told me there were things coming up for him in his life he didn't want me to have to deal with...he drinks too much and he needed to work on that. He wasn't ready to commit to someone while he had issues of his own to resolve. He barely had time to himself between working and working on his house, let alone time to spend with someone else and he didn't think it was fair. He just kept restating that he didn't want to lose me... Although all of this hurt and I did my best to hold back the tears, I respected him for owning up to all this and being honest.... or so I thought.

A week later he was back hanging out with this "friend" who constantly tagged to two of them together... and then on facebook they were in a relationship. I confronted him about it and he told me that he had told me they were together...like hell he did. And he's happy and wants a family and loves being with her kids...oh and he does have things in his life to work on, but she's there for him. Bullshit. When was I NOT there for him? How do you do that to someone? I feel like the whole 3 months we were "together" was all a lie. Everyone kept telling me how good I was for him and how good we were together...and that he wasn't ready for anything serious right now, just someone to spend time with...but to just be patient with him... and I was and this is what I get??

Knowing the kind of person he is...none of this makes sense to me. I'm so confused. So frustrated. So hurt. So angry. So emotional. I'm all over the place... I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't even remember if I've washed my hair in the shower... I have problems sleeping... I think of him daily. I miss him like crazy....

I want to hate him. I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, but I can't. Deep down I still think he's a really good guy...maybe a little messed up and confused right now, but a good guy. My friends think I'm crazy... what else is new? I get anxious out in public, worrying if I'm ever gonna bump into him. I've been drinking more than usual...and finding ways to constantly be out of the house. The last thing I want to do right now is sit at home...and think.

I don't know what to do with myself. My mood changes almost instantly... I'm up, then down... So many songs remind me of him... so many little things remind me of him... I still have his blue sweatshirt... It just sits in a pile on my floor. He's not asked for it back...and I won't ask him if he wants it back... we don't talk. So much for wanting to be friends...and being scared to lose me... but it just sits there. I don't want to put it in the closet...that's too final, not like I'm going to wear it. Although, some days I just want to put in on and curl up in a ball and cry.... good thing it no longer smells like him..

I stopped working out 6 weeks ago... my healthy habits are dwindling slowly...and I'm determined to get them back. I won't let this ruin me...anymore than it already has. I'm broken and alone. I'm scared that I will never find anyone like him again...I didn't know guys like him existed. I hate that she's with him. It makes me so sick. I try to hold myself together. I put up this front that everything is ok... but it's not. I'm not ok... I'm just not ok...

I Still Miss You

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you.....