I'm back...

I got back to Iowa yesterday evening... I cried a little leaving San Diego... and watching the ocean get smaller and smaller... Strange to think of the ocean as small.. I spent all week marveling at it's vastness... it's greatness.. I felt so small and so insignificant.

I did a lot of thinking in California.. a lot. I'm pretty sure I went there to get away from this mess I'm living in... and to heal. I thought being away could heal me.. I've come back more hurt and confused than before I left.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being there and I LOVED the relaxation and time to myself and with my family there... and I LOVED seeing another part of the country... but I feel so lost. so alone. Who am I and what am I doing here?? What am I doing with my life? I've lived in the same town; in the same house my entire life.. I live in a sheltered little box.. in this stupid town. I want to leave so badly, but I just feel so stuck. Where would I go? I don't really have much money... What would I do? I don't have a degree...

I felt like Zach and I were in the same place at the same time for a reason.. things felt different.. it felt so right.. We knew each other years ago and were brought back together... for this? I finally felt like I was still in the town for a reason, that I'd found what I'd been missing... what I'd been searching for... wrong again.. Now what? I don't know where to go from here... what to do.. I want out. I want out bad...

Getting on that plane and coming back to this hell hole.. to this town full of memories and pain... it sucked.

I want to find answers.. I want to find purpose. I want to find happiness.. I want to find love.. but who could ever love someone as messed up as me? Who can I even trust? People lie... cheat... steal...

The only person I can count on is me...