Reaching Out

Last night my ex (whom I still have feelings for as I've discussed before) called me. We don't talk too often or anything...but it's always nice to hear from him, and unfortunately he's the one I want to talk to when I've had a bad day, something good has happened, I have big news, etc.... He has a habit of sharing music with me. When I used to live in Cedar Falls and we would hang out regularly he would sit on Youtube and play me music. He has very good taste. Well when he called last night he wanted me to listen to a song and then call him back. These are the lyrics....

Lately, I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

One way conversations
Going on inside my head
Everybody has a secret world
Where too much is unsaid

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
(Oooh, oooh, oooh) are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

Give me your hand
One touch is all that it takes 
Ain't it funny how just one touch
Can make up for all of our mistakes 

Lately, I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

When I called him back after listening to the song, (which I was very confused by) he would ask me if I listened to the lyrics...really listened. I said "yes" and he goes "I really like the lyrics". This has made me so super confused you wouldn't even believe. I don't understand why he sends these signals. He's said he wasn't right for me in the past....but I still think there's a part of him that still wants me. I wish he would give me another chance... And when he does things like this...when the words to this song send soooo many messages.... I would really love it if he could tell me how he feels. Does he want me?

My life has been nothing but a confused mess lately... I have no idea what to do. I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm a whole bunch of things. 

Something's Gotta Give...

There has to be something wrong with me. I'm so closed off. I don't trust people. I push them away.... I can have something so good staring me in the face, but for some reason it's not "as good" as I once had.. So I let it go. I continue to compare my feelings and what I think I should be feeling to those of the past. What if I never get to feel that way again? I know I thought that once, and then it came around again.... But you can only find that kind of love very few times before it just stops finding you. If you lose it so many times....why should you get another chance with it again?

Tonight I basically ended the closest thing I've had to a relationship for the past 7 months. Why? I didn't have that "feeling". I wasn't in love. Now, I'm alone. I have very, very few friends....and even fewer that I live close to. I wish I had a best friend right now. I've been without mine for quite some time now and there's just so much I want to tell her. So much I want to talk to her about; get her opinion on. I really miss her. She always knew me best and was always there when I needed someone. Now I just come home to my big apartment....and sit here. Alone. 


I'm so very unhappy with my life. There are so many days I just sit here and wonder why I'm still here. I'm not doing anything great. I'm not doing anything special with my life. Hell, I'm really not even doing anything with my life. So why keep me here; miserable? Why do I have to keep suffering.. keep being alone? I hear about people dying...be killed or in accidents..... Sometimes I just wish it could have been me. Some of those people were just so great and were going places in their lives. They should still be here. Take me instead. I mean I'm not that important...


I have no motivation. I have no energy. I'm so unhappy with the way I look.... I'm really going to work on changing. I want to be happy. So badly. I want to look good and feel good about myself. My hardcore workout plan starts Monday. (I know I should just start tomorrow...and maybe I will...) I don't consider myself "fat", but I know I'm not at a healthy weight....plus I just hate seeing myself in the mirror and in pictures. I can change that. And I will. A few posts ago I set some pretty high athletic goals for myself, I need to just keep those in mind and work towards them. I can achieve them. And I will.



I know no one reads this. So I know I can use names, but I just don't like to.

But, I miss you. I miss you every single day. I wish you would give me just one more chance. You've given others so many countless chances that they didn't deserve. So just give me one more? We can be good together. I love you so much. More than you will ever know and probably more than anyone should. I hope some day you'll give me another shot at this. You won't regret it. I promise.

Too Many Feelings

I am not getting much better at keeping up with this blog. I always have way too much on my mind, I don't even know where to start. Lately I've found it really hard to put into words what/how I'm feeling. This past weekend I had an encounter with the past...a past that I miss everyday.

I still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend/good friend. I have no idea what it is about him, but I can't seem to rid myself of him. He's always in the back of my mind....and stuck in my heart. He can be a complete ass sometimes, but there's something about the way he looks at me. He acts so differently with me. I can't explain it. Usually with girls he likes/dates/whatever he wants sex and doesn't always seem to really care about them as a person. With me, we never had sex. He never pushed it too much. He kept coming around even though there wouldn't be sex. He tells me he cares and will hold me close... There's just something safe about being in his arms. He is truly one of the few people anymore who actually get me. I slept right up close to him the other night...and he kissed the top of my head.... I wish he would just say what he's thinking. He's so closed off about his feelings. I really wish I knew because I still think we would be good together......


"If two people are meant to be together...eventually they'll find their way back."

BFF's....or not.

Lately I've been thinking about friends. Who's really my friend? As a junior in high school I had THE best friend. Her name was Sarah. We knew each other so well and had so much fun together. Within the past year her and I have lost touch. I'm not really sure what happened...we just stopped talking. I miss her so much. I have very few friends in Des Moines after moving back...and the friends I do have are great, they just aren't my best friend.

 I hate reading on Facebook about everyone hanging out with their "BFF" or hearing about it....heck I hate seeing those 2-4 girls together at the mall or the restaurant that you just know are joined at the hip and love each other no matter what.

Sarah and I always talked about how we would be friends forever. It just makes me stop and think now. Can people really be friends their whole life? My childhood friends are still people I would talk to and possibly hang out with, but by no means would I call them good friends anymore. Some of my high school friends I still consider to be good friends, but it's just not the same anymore. This goes back to when my high school boyfriend broke up with me and told me he "just doesn't love me anymore". This has all put a damper on how I view life and love. Can love last forever? Whether it be the love between best friends or the romantic love you feel for someone.....does it last?

I'm scared of letting people in...I'm scared of getting close to someone. Scared of loving someone.

I miss my best friend....