I was watching The Bachelor tonight and it really made me think... These girls are all falling in love with the same guy...who in return can't express his feelings until the very end. So in a sense, it's all one-sided. I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships have been. Do I just not see the faults? Or the signs? Why does it all feel so perfect and then one day there's nothing?
I haven't been sleeping well...or focusing well. A friend told me to find a good book to read. I went to Target yesterday and bought "Wicked". It took me roughly 30 minutes to get through the prologue...I couldn't concentrate. My mind was racing. I'm currently on a medication steroid for my sinus infection that is like caffeine.. The other night I literally had to just lay in bed, close my eyes and tell myself to concentrate on my breathing. That's the only way I fell asleep...otherwise my mind was racing..
I dream about Zach a lot. In every dream he comes back to me, says just what I want to hear...but I make him work for it. IF he ever did figure out the mistake he made.... IF he ever does miss me... It's going to take a lot for me to trust him again. I just don't understand where the lies came from... or when they started. I've never pictured a life with someone so much before. He's just everything I've ever wanted... that I didn't even know existed. He's such a good man. He's vulnerable. He's strong. Loves family. Loves to laugh... Where can I find that again? I didn't even know someone could be like that...
The past two guys I have loved: one knows I've loved him, but he's never loved me back.. we've been good friends and that is all it will ever be. And then with Zach, I was really starting to fall in love with him. He made me so happy every day. I loved being with him and talking to him...and kissing him. He really made everything better. But he didn't know how hard I was falling... Is that my fault? Should I have said something more? Why can't I ever fall in love "with" someone...? I'm always the brokenhearted one... I'm always left... I'm always hurt.
Guys have a saying: "Good guys finish last". I've been thinking a lot about this lately.... In a way I guess it could be true... but what about good girls? I feel like I don't even get a chance because I'm "good". I'm honest; have morals; care SO much; I'm funny; want a family....I feel like I'm the complete package. Yes, I'm a virgin. Honestly I think that's where most guys get turned off, or think differently of me. Zach said that was never an issue... he "liked me for more than that"...and it wasn't all about sex.... I don't know if I believe that now... I don't know what to believe about anything.. But why can't a good, honest girl like me ever get someone? Guys just want slutty girls who will push themselves at guys and offer them anything and will do ANYTHING to be with them. That's so wrong... Guys get so distracted by the physical and the glossed over appearance of it all..they forget what's real I think.
Right now the thought of being with someone..dating or whatever....just makes me sick, honestly. I'm very closed off right now.. don't want to be personal with anybody. (I suppose I do want to be with Zach....but that's something different...and would take a LOT of time to work out...) I want to fall in love. I want to be a wife (because I think I would be a great one) and I really, really want to be a mom. But right now, trusting and opening up to someone yet again, makes me sick... I don't want to go through another one-sided relationship, where I think everything is perfect and he really loves being with me and everything he says is pure honesty and I think he's falling for me... but that's what it ends up as and so I don't even want to let that be an option. But I do want answers...
I'm in a constant state of "I don't know"....
No comments:
Post a Comment