Sabotage.

 I can't for the life of me figure out why I ruin everything. I finally found a really great guy who liked me and cared about and wanted to do anything in his power to make me happy..... but I just didn't "feel" it. Why? Why must I constantly let my ex boyfriend get in my head and let me ruin things? I wish I didn't wake up every morning thinking about him. I wish my mind didn't wander to thoughts of him through out the day. I wish I didn't reach for my phone time after time to call or text him. I wish I didn't long to lay next to him when I go to bed at night. When will this end? Why can't I find someone that I like more than him. Who takes my mind off him..? There are some days that I want him so bad it hurts. I replay conversations and perfect moments in my mind. I can hear him singing every song on the radio..... I can hear him singing a song to me on the phone. Why can't I just let myself be happy without him? Why can't I un-fall in love with him....

Lost.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. There are so many nights I fall asleep hoping that I don't have to wake up in the morning. I barely have any "real" friends. I feel like all I do is pretend. I pretend to love living alone. I pretend to love working at a job that I don't want to be at forever. I pretend to be happy. I'm looking for love again because I feel like it's the only thing that will get me to stop wanting my ex....only thing is, it hasn't helped yet. I'm scared to never feel that way again. I'm scared of being alone.

Reaching Out

Last night my ex (whom I still have feelings for as I've discussed before) called me. We don't talk too often or anything...but it's always nice to hear from him, and unfortunately he's the one I want to talk to when I've had a bad day, something good has happened, I have big news, etc.... He has a habit of sharing music with me. When I used to live in Cedar Falls and we would hang out regularly he would sit on Youtube and play me music. He has very good taste. Well when he called last night he wanted me to listen to a song and then call him back. These are the lyrics....

Lately, I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

One way conversations
Going on inside my head
Everybody has a secret world
Where too much is unsaid

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
(Oooh, oooh, oooh) are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

Give me your hand
One touch is all that it takes 
Ain't it funny how just one touch
Can make up for all of our mistakes 

Lately, I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me
Like I'm reaching out for you?

When I called him back after listening to the song, (which I was very confused by) he would ask me if I listened to the lyrics...really listened. I said "yes" and he goes "I really like the lyrics". This has made me so super confused you wouldn't even believe. I don't understand why he sends these signals. He's said he wasn't right for me in the past....but I still think there's a part of him that still wants me. I wish he would give me another chance... And when he does things like this...when the words to this song send soooo many messages.... I would really love it if he could tell me how he feels. Does he want me?

My life has been nothing but a confused mess lately... I have no idea what to do. I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm a whole bunch of things. 

Something's Gotta Give...

There has to be something wrong with me. I'm so closed off. I don't trust people. I push them away.... I can have something so good staring me in the face, but for some reason it's not "as good" as I once had.. So I let it go. I continue to compare my feelings and what I think I should be feeling to those of the past. What if I never get to feel that way again? I know I thought that once, and then it came around again.... But you can only find that kind of love very few times before it just stops finding you. If you lose it so many times....why should you get another chance with it again?

Tonight I basically ended the closest thing I've had to a relationship for the past 7 months. Why? I didn't have that "feeling". I wasn't in love. Now, I'm alone. I have very, very few friends....and even fewer that I live close to. I wish I had a best friend right now. I've been without mine for quite some time now and there's just so much I want to tell her. So much I want to talk to her about; get her opinion on. I really miss her. She always knew me best and was always there when I needed someone. Now I just come home to my big apartment....and sit here. Alone. 


I'm so very unhappy with my life. There are so many days I just sit here and wonder why I'm still here. I'm not doing anything great. I'm not doing anything special with my life. Hell, I'm really not even doing anything with my life. So why keep me here; miserable? Why do I have to keep suffering.. keep being alone? I hear about people dying...be killed or in accidents..... Sometimes I just wish it could have been me. Some of those people were just so great and were going places in their lives. They should still be here. Take me instead. I mean I'm not that important...


I have no motivation. I have no energy. I'm so unhappy with the way I look.... I'm really going to work on changing. I want to be happy. So badly. I want to look good and feel good about myself. My hardcore workout plan starts Monday. (I know I should just start tomorrow...and maybe I will...) I don't consider myself "fat", but I know I'm not at a healthy weight....plus I just hate seeing myself in the mirror and in pictures. I can change that. And I will. A few posts ago I set some pretty high athletic goals for myself, I need to just keep those in mind and work towards them. I can achieve them. And I will.



I know no one reads this. So I know I can use names, but I just don't like to.

But, I miss you. I miss you every single day. I wish you would give me just one more chance. You've given others so many countless chances that they didn't deserve. So just give me one more? We can be good together. I love you so much. More than you will ever know and probably more than anyone should. I hope some day you'll give me another shot at this. You won't regret it. I promise.

Too Many Feelings

I am not getting much better at keeping up with this blog. I always have way too much on my mind, I don't even know where to start. Lately I've found it really hard to put into words what/how I'm feeling. This past weekend I had an encounter with the past...a past that I miss everyday.

I still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend/good friend. I have no idea what it is about him, but I can't seem to rid myself of him. He's always in the back of my mind....and stuck in my heart. He can be a complete ass sometimes, but there's something about the way he looks at me. He acts so differently with me. I can't explain it. Usually with girls he likes/dates/whatever he wants sex and doesn't always seem to really care about them as a person. With me, we never had sex. He never pushed it too much. He kept coming around even though there wouldn't be sex. He tells me he cares and will hold me close... There's just something safe about being in his arms. He is truly one of the few people anymore who actually get me. I slept right up close to him the other night...and he kissed the top of my head.... I wish he would just say what he's thinking. He's so closed off about his feelings. I really wish I knew because I still think we would be good together......


"If two people are meant to be together...eventually they'll find their way back."

BFF's....or not.

Lately I've been thinking about friends. Who's really my friend? As a junior in high school I had THE best friend. Her name was Sarah. We knew each other so well and had so much fun together. Within the past year her and I have lost touch. I'm not really sure what happened...we just stopped talking. I miss her so much. I have very few friends in Des Moines after moving back...and the friends I do have are great, they just aren't my best friend.

 I hate reading on Facebook about everyone hanging out with their "BFF" or hearing about it....heck I hate seeing those 2-4 girls together at the mall or the restaurant that you just know are joined at the hip and love each other no matter what.

Sarah and I always talked about how we would be friends forever. It just makes me stop and think now. Can people really be friends their whole life? My childhood friends are still people I would talk to and possibly hang out with, but by no means would I call them good friends anymore. Some of my high school friends I still consider to be good friends, but it's just not the same anymore. This goes back to when my high school boyfriend broke up with me and told me he "just doesn't love me anymore". This has all put a damper on how I view life and love. Can love last forever? Whether it be the love between best friends or the romantic love you feel for someone.....does it last?

I'm scared of letting people in...I'm scared of getting close to someone. Scared of loving someone.

I miss my best friend....

Goals

Recently I have been inspired to set goals for myself. It is always good to have something you're working towards. Gives you the feeling of purpose...which I need. So many times I wonder what my purpose is. I have created a list of short term and long term goals:

1-5 years-
*Get a degree
*Go to Boston (Fenway)
*Go to Europe
*Run a 5K
*Run a half marathon
*Get married
*Start having kids
*Go on a mission trip

10 years-
*Own a house
*Run in the Boston marathon
*Visit all 50 states
*Own a draft horse
*Sponsor a child
*Go on a cruise

I feel that setting these goals, writing them down and putting them out there gives me something to work towards.

Make. Life. Happen.

I will always love you...

I know, I know. Two posts in one day... But I just had to get all of this out of my head. This is a rough outline of a letter I'd love to send to someone. I might someday, but right now I don't think they would really appreciate it.

Dear _________,

I don't know how to even start this. Maybe I should just tell you that I know writing this all out is lame and kind of high school girl-ish, but it's the only way I can think of to get everything out and have you hear it all. It's not always easy to have a serious conversation with you. You always turn things into a joke and no one ever knows what you're really feeling.... but maybe that's what you intend to do all along...

When I met you I never thought things would go anywhere. Ever. I had just lost the "love of my life" and never thought I could feel that way again. Until I met you. You were nothing that I ever thought I wanted, but everything that I needed. The way you helped me through everything was amazing. Being with you made me feel so special again. I fell way too hard and way too fast. I'm still not sure what happened between us, or why it had to end. I wonder about it often. We are so different, yet so alike. Somedays I still think we are so good for each other.

I know you "know" this, but I love you. I've never said it to your face or even written it to you before. We broke up before I could. I've never grown to love or care about someone as quickly as I did with you....that could be why I have a problem with it now... I thought I knew what love was when I had my first love, but with you it was/is different. I care about you more than you know and more than I can show or expain. Just please always remember I care....

I know you hurt a lot of the time...I do too. I know you were hurt in the past, but I really wish you wouldn't let her control who you are today. It's been almost 3 years since my high school boyfriend and I broke up, and I've learned that he may have effected the person I was and the person I am today, but he has no effect on who I am becoming...who I'm going to be. He's out of the picture. I wish you could feel that way too. Am I complete healed? No. Do I have great self-esteem? No. Do I still get depressed and wonder how he fell out of love with me? Yes. But I know there is better to come for me and I just look at where my life has gone since then and how good I am doing. You have soooo much potential. I know I've told you that, but I really mean. You are talented and smart. You could do so much in life. You just have to convince yourself. There is more to life. It does get better.

You and me. I really don't understand our relationship. It makes no sense. You never act like we're "just friends". Some of the things you do and the things you say just don't add up. I'm not the only one who sees it either so I know I'm not just imagining it. I wish you could talk about how you feel. Maybe you really don't see me as more than a friend, I just wish you acted like that if that's how you feel. It does make it hard on me.... There are days I wish we could try it again. I wish you could see how much I love you and know that I would never hurt you. I know it sounds stuck up, but I'm a good catch. I don't cheat. I don't sleep around when I'm single. I have good values. I have morals. I'm just a good person. Sometimes I feel like a guy won't ever see that.... I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure. I know I could be good for you. We could be good together. I know it. I hate that we rarely talk anymore...but most of the time I don't know how to talk to you because I don't know where we stand. I don't know what you think or how you feel. It's hard....

Do you remember when we broke up? We were in your apartment. You were laying on the floor and I was sitting in the chair. You just kept saying you weren't good for me. But then you said you didn't want to lose me in your life. Do you still feel that way? Do you still worry about losing me? I worry about losing you....or that I already have.. And I wish you wouldn't tell me you're not good for me. Let me chose. Let me decide who's good for me. I would pick you all over again.

Now that I've said too much and you probably won't talk to me agian. I'm done with this letter. I hope you think about some of the things I've said. Mostly about how you have so much to offer in this world and so much life left to live. If we never become anything more than friends. Or if we lose touch in a few years.... I hope you won't ever forget me and just know that I will always love you and care about you so much.

All my love...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, so I probably wouldn't say all of that to him...but it feels good to get everything I'm feeling off my chest. ♥

Celebration

I need to get better at this blogging thing. It's been a while since I've written.

So I got a new job this week. It is really weird to think that I will be leaving my job in a week. It's been like "home" for 8 months...and I hate thinking of that place as home. I have met so many great people there and I will really, really miss them. I just hope we can stay in touch after I leave....cause I really don't have many friends here.

I'm so looking forward to starting a new chapter. I can't wait to have less stress and have a normal working schedule. It's going to be weird for awhile....it's always hard to have to get to know so many new people. But I can do it. I can handle this. I have to.

Out of the Box...

Lately I've realized how "square" I am... I've the same hair color and cut ever since I can remember, I always wear pants and flats, I always dress super conservative, I never go out and do anything crazy....

This is about to change. I want to live life and enjoy it the best I can. I may not know what I want in most areas of my life.... but I know that I don't want to have any regrets. I'm gonna try and put myself out there and not hold back. If I know how I'm feeling about something I'm going to make sure it's known. I don't want to look back on these years (which are supposed to be the best ones....) and be disappointed in myself.

Some day soon...or in the up and coming weeks I think I may change up my hair style, and maybe even the color. I'm going to (on my limited budget) enhance my wardrobe. Maybe even get that tattoo I've been wanting. :)

I also just want to work on how I'm living my life. Volunteering with Habitat had made me realize I could be doing so much with my life and giving back in so many ways. I really do have a lot to offer and the world needs people who are willing to give. I need to stop being so selfish. Yes most times when I look at my life I hate it and wish practically everything in it was different, but I'm lucky. I have a solid job that pays well, a really nice apartment, a good car, loving friends and family.... and not everyone does. 

I think I'm done letting my mind wonder for the night....at least with my fingers at the keyboard.

I put myself out there tonight, and haven't gotten a response. Hopefully I will soon. If I don't, at least I won't regret not doing it. :)

Where Do I Go From Here?

Over the past couple weeks my life has just gotten a little hazy. There is so much going on I just feel like it's all a blur. A couple weeks ago I finally had the opportunity to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, something I've been wanting to be a part of since I was in high school. It was probably one of the greatest experiences of my life. I was installing windows and helping put up siding. It was the most manual labor I've ever done, but it was great. During my volunteer day I met a guy from Boston. He helped me install the last window on the house. He was way easy to talk to and wanted me to add him on Facebook...so I did. He and I have been talking ever since. Then I signed up to help with Habitat again two days ago. We were finishing the houses and it was just so awesome to meet new people and build a new community.

My love life has problems. I have no idea what I want. I have feelings for someone but I'm so scared to completely fall for him. I'm afraid he won't want me eventually and then I will get hurt again. My main focus in love right now is to protect myself. I have so many walls built up that it's so hard for me to get close to anyone. I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable and open for pain. This is probably all going to bite me in the ass eventually, but I just don't want to endure that kind of pain again.

As conceded as this sounds, I would be a great catch for any guy but none of them will ever know because once they hear "no sex" they are uninterested. What is so wrong about a girl who takes her time getting to know someone, who doesn't just jump into bed with a guy on the first (or even second) night, who has moral and is independent? Is it really that attractive to a guy to have a girl that will have sex with just anyone? This world is so sicken and so sex driven. Hopefully someday some guy will see me for who I am and respect the decisions I've made. But for now I guess being a non slut isn't enough for them...

Someday I will be good enough.

Everything's New

December 2009 I moved back home to Altoona from Cedar Falls. The hardest decision I've had to make to date. I love UNI. I love Cedar Falls. It's the one place where I feel at home and where my friends are. I had to make a decision for my future, though, not for my present. Being 21, thinking about anything past next week was hard enough, let alone thinking about the next 2-5 years. UNI was great....I just had no idea where my life was going. I felt no real pull towards any one field of study. No passion. So I had to leave.

Moving back home was living hell...to put it lightly. Honestly, my mom and I never got along when we lived together before and this time it was ten times worse. I'm not really sure even how to explain our differences, but there are a lot of them. Living at home again, I could never make her happy or do anything right. At least that's how it felt. Things with my younger sister got better. We became closer, which was really neat. My dad and I have pretty much always gotten along. He and I are more alike than I'd like to admit sometimes. I'm beyond lucky to have him in my life.

March 2010 I started a new, full-time (big girl) job at Wells Fargo Financial. It was definitely a change from staying up till 2 and sleeping in till noon and not really having a care in the world. I had to be at work every morning. I had to focus and, well, do my job. Being in the working world has made me grow up....probably more than I was ready for...

April 2010 I bought a new car. A 2008 Chevy Cobalt. Quite the grown-up thing to do. Having $310 a month go to the new love of my life is a little painful though. It makes me feel good about myself in a way. I'm making my own money and paying for my own things. Self sufficient. Some days I get this "woman power" feeling. :)

August 2010 I moved in to my own apartment on the south side of Des Moines. It's so nice to be out of my parents house and on my own. (Though the bills just keep adding up....) It's nice being in my own place and having it to myself...I just get lonely sometimes. Who am I kidding? I am alone.

I can count on one hand the number of friends I have that live near me. Most nights I just feel like there's no one there. I'm so lucky I have my friend Mary. She's a lifesaver. I miss my Cedar Falls friends daily. I miss my college lifestyle daily. I miss summer vacation and having a free weekend. I miss being stress-free.

As I sit here in my apartment. Alone. I can't stop all the thoughts running through my head. I hate my job more than life itself but I'm sticking with it. I force myself out of bed everyday to go into the office so I can earn money so I can pay my rent and make my car payments. (Oh and those stupid student loan payments....)

I wake up every day just not feeling well. I feel sick. I just keep thinking there's got to be more to life than this...