Getting through the stages...

I've been feeling a lot of different emotions lately...but tonight I felt anger. This was my third day back at Kosama and it was kickboxing.. and it was intense. I beat the living shit out of that bag tonight... and all could see was Zach's face...and that stupid little bitch's too.. It felt so good. Makes me a little mad that I hadn't been doing it for the past 6 weeks... I'm just trying to look up...

I want to feel better. I really do.. But sometimes I wonder if I'm purposely bringing myself down...purposely reminding myself of how great I had it for such a short time.. I'm so scared to feel that again, though. How will I know when it's real? How will I know the truth...ever? I don't know how to trust again. The past four years have just sucked a lot out of me emotionally. I feel so cheap.

I haven't prayed in about four years either. When things ended with Austin..I was so upset, so mad and hurt... I blamed God a lot. How could He take something like that from me? Ever since then I just keep getting shit on and I don't know what to believe in anymore. I like to think I'm a good person, so why don't I feel like I'm getting what I deserve? Why do I see others who cheat and abuse people/things/relationships getting the things I so desperately want out of life..?

I'm so envious of so many others... I know that's not a good thing, but I can't help it. So many others seem to get what I want. Why can't I get it, too? Why do I have to constantly get hurt and feel broken while others find purpose and meaning in their lives? When is it going to be my turn? I feel so stuck... so useless. I feel like this blob just moving around doing mundane things day in and day out. I feel like I'm going nowhere..

Free will kind of sucks...sometimes...

God gave us free will.. and for that I really am grateful... Sometimes it just sucks. You can't make someone love you, but then, why would you want to? I'd rather just have someone love me because they want to, yet it would make things easier...

Today was an awful morning at work. Just awful. I was so frustrated, irritated, annoyed...I could have just thrown up.. Why are people so rude? Especially when they are asking you for HELP? I don't know what I would do without my coworkers... they are so awesome and we can always vent and laugh about things together. It's so nice...

I miss him. I could have used one of his strong, comforting hugs today.... Miss him like crazy... I'd like to think he's really happy with her... and I'm guessing right now he probably is. I just see him getting hurt in the long run with her... I don't see it playing out in his favor. But that's not really for me to have an opinion on. I don't want to see him get hurt again. He deserves so much... I don't know why I'm constantly thinking about what's good for him and how I hope he's ok... what about me? That's the kind of person I am. I care more about others than I do about myself.... what good comes from that? nothing... Who's there to care about me? To make sure I'm ok? Most of the time I don't feel like anyone really cares. I don't advertise my hurt because that's stupid, but my close friends who know what I'm going through... don't ask if I'm ok. They check in to see how I'm doing.. and that hurts...

I started back at Kosama yesterday...after 6 weeks off. It kicked my ass...literally. I needed it, too. I'm going to try and stick with it through my paid term...through June. Then I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe join a gym. I feel like my weight is one thing in my life I have control over.... 

I'm not sure what to write about right now... I shed a few tears tonight for the first time in awhile... so that's improvement. I no longer cry everyday... but I still miss him everyday. Why can't I stop thinking about him..? or writing about him? I feel like he was a once in a lifetime kind of person... Why wasn't I good enough?? Why am I NEVER good enough??

Do I burn his bridge? Do I try to totally forget him and give up and move on? If so, how? I've never really burned a bridge like that before.. I always hold out hope... I always want it to work out in the end... I want him... still.. I suck..

I think it's time for bed....

Am I Lovable?

I was watching The Bachelor tonight and it really made me think... These girls are all falling in love with the same guy...who in return can't express his feelings until the very end. So in a sense, it's all one-sided. I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships have been. Do I just not see the faults? Or the signs? Why does it all feel so perfect and then one day there's nothing?

I haven't been sleeping well...or focusing well. A friend told me to find a good book to read. I went to Target yesterday and bought "Wicked". It took me roughly 30 minutes to get through the prologue...I couldn't concentrate. My mind was racing. I'm currently on a medication steroid for my sinus infection that is like caffeine.. The other night I literally had to just lay in bed, close my eyes and tell myself to concentrate on my breathing. That's the only way I fell asleep...otherwise my mind was racing..

I dream about Zach a lot. In every dream he comes back to me, says just what I want to hear...but I make him work for it. IF he ever did figure out the mistake he made.... IF he ever does miss me... It's going to take a lot for me to trust him again. I just don't understand where the lies came from... or when they started. I've never pictured a life with someone so much before. He's just everything I've ever wanted... that I didn't even know existed. He's such a good man. He's vulnerable. He's strong. Loves family. Loves to laugh... Where can I find that again? I didn't even know someone could be like that...

The past two guys I have loved: one knows I've loved him, but he's never loved me back.. we've been good friends and that is all it will ever be. And then with Zach, I was really starting to fall in love with him. He made me so happy every day. I loved being with him and talking to him...and kissing him. He really made everything better. But he didn't know how hard I was falling... Is that my fault? Should I have said something more? Why can't I ever fall in love "with" someone...? I'm always the brokenhearted one... I'm always left... I'm always  hurt.

Guys have a saying: "Good guys finish last". I've been thinking a lot about this lately.... In a way I guess it could be true... but what about good girls? I feel like I don't even get a chance because I'm "good". I'm honest; have morals; care SO much; I'm funny; want a family....I feel like I'm the complete package. Yes, I'm a virgin. Honestly I think that's where most guys get turned off, or think differently of me. Zach said that was never an issue... he "liked me for more than that"...and it wasn't all about sex.... I don't know if I believe that now... I don't know what to believe about anything.. But why can't a good, honest girl like me ever get someone? Guys just want slutty girls who will push themselves at guys and offer them anything and will do ANYTHING to be with them. That's so wrong... Guys get so distracted by the physical and the glossed over appearance of it all..they forget what's real I think.

Right now the thought of being with someone..dating or whatever....just makes me sick, honestly. I'm very closed off right now.. don't want to be personal with anybody. (I suppose I do want to be with Zach....but that's something different...and would take a LOT of time to work out...) I want to fall in love. I want to be a wife (because I think I would be a great one) and I really, really want to be a mom. But right now, trusting and opening up to someone yet again, makes me sick... I don't want to go through another one-sided relationship, where I think everything is perfect and he really loves being with me and everything he says is pure honesty and I think he's falling for me... but that's what it ends up as and so I don't even want to let that be an option. But I do want answers...

I'm in a constant state of "I don't know"....

Your blue sweatshirt gives me the blues....

I really wish I was good at keeping up with this blog... since my last entry about 5 months ago my life has gone from great to devastating in one fowl swoop... It's hard to recap it now, but I'm going to try. It would be better if I just kept at this thing regularly...but that's another issue..

On Sept, 23 2011 I ran into someone downtown that will forever change my life.. his name is Zach. Zach and I lived down the street from each other and rode the bus together in elementary school...I also had a pretty big crush on him back in the day... We hadn't seen each other in yeeeears... I'm surprised I recognized him. After the initial night in the bar we hung out quite often, talked on the phone, and texted each other nonstop. He's unlike anyone I'd ever met...

3 months prior, Zach's finance had cheated on him and they broke off their engagement, which was to be in October 2011. He said he wasn't ready for anything serious, which I was ok with, but he loved being with me.. He was so sweet...very respectful; a gentleman. We spent a lot of time together and would often go to his parent's house for dinner on Sunday afternoons. I would stay over at his place on the weekends, in the mornings he was just sweet. He'd tell me he loved waking up next to me and wanted me to just stay with him. He was the best kisser...the kind that cupped my face in his hand as he did so. Gave strong hugs. He could always make me laugh...and had the most amazing smile....

After a couple months he started hanging out with another girl...who was "just a friend". She was in the middle of a divorce (not yet final) with 3 little boys. He kept telling me she was just a friend, he didn't want to be involved with someone who had children because he didn't want to be a step-dad...and so on and so forth... I began to grow insecure and questioned his feelings for me on occasion. He would always reassure me that she was just a friend, he didn't like her the way he liked me and I had nothing to worry about.... but apparently I did...

A couple days after Christmas (after a perfect weekend together) he flipped out. Told me he was not in a good place and was confused and didn't know what he wanted...didn't want to lose me, but wanted to "take a break and be friends". Needless to say, I was crushed. Spent about a day and a half in bed, crying. What had gone wrong? Where was this coming from? I never pushed him to be more or to be serious... I was there for him when he was having a hard time with things. I was understanding...but I didn't understand this. I gave us a week apart. Let him go on his boys weekend trip and let myself think... When he came back he wanted to get together and we did. It was like nothing changed. He made me laugh...was super sweet. We had a great time. Two weeks went by before I saw him again...which frustrated me. This time we hung out at his place, made a pizza and watched a movie. Everything seemed normal...but I knew I needed to confront the issues that been eating away at me for nearly 3 weeks... where did we stand? what was going on?

That's when he told me there were things coming up for him in his life he didn't want me to have to deal with...he drinks too much and he needed to work on that. He wasn't ready to commit to someone while he had issues of his own to resolve. He barely had time to himself between working and working on his house, let alone time to spend with someone else and he didn't think it was fair. He just kept restating that he didn't want to lose me... Although all of this hurt and I did my best to hold back the tears, I respected him for owning up to all this and being honest.... or so I thought.

A week later he was back hanging out with this "friend" who constantly tagged to two of them together... and then on facebook they were in a relationship. I confronted him about it and he told me that he had told me they were together...like hell he did. And he's happy and wants a family and loves being with her kids...oh and he does have things in his life to work on, but she's there for him. Bullshit. When was I NOT there for him? How do you do that to someone? I feel like the whole 3 months we were "together" was all a lie. Everyone kept telling me how good I was for him and how good we were together...and that he wasn't ready for anything serious right now, just someone to spend time with...but to just be patient with him... and I was and this is what I get??

Knowing the kind of person he is...none of this makes sense to me. I'm so confused. So frustrated. So hurt. So angry. So emotional. I'm all over the place... I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't even remember if I've washed my hair in the shower... I have problems sleeping... I think of him daily. I miss him like crazy....

I want to hate him. I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, but I can't. Deep down I still think he's a really good guy...maybe a little messed up and confused right now, but a good guy. My friends think I'm crazy... what else is new? I get anxious out in public, worrying if I'm ever gonna bump into him. I've been drinking more than usual...and finding ways to constantly be out of the house. The last thing I want to do right now is sit at home...and think.

I don't know what to do with myself. My mood changes almost instantly... I'm up, then down... So many songs remind me of him... so many little things remind me of him... I still have his blue sweatshirt... It just sits in a pile on my floor. He's not asked for it back...and I won't ask him if he wants it back... we don't talk. So much for wanting to be friends...and being scared to lose me... but it just sits there. I don't want to put it in the closet...that's too final, not like I'm going to wear it. Although, some days I just want to put in on and curl up in a ball and cry.... good thing it no longer smells like him..

I stopped working out 6 weeks ago... my healthy habits are dwindling slowly...and I'm determined to get them back. I won't let this ruin me...anymore than it already has. I'm broken and alone. I'm scared that I will never find anyone like him again...I didn't know guys like him existed. I hate that she's with him. It makes me so sick. I try to hold myself together. I put up this front that everything is ok... but it's not. I'm not ok... I'm just not ok...

I Still Miss You

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you.....