God gave us free will.. and for that I really am grateful... Sometimes it just sucks. You can't make someone love you, but then, why would you want to? I'd rather just have someone love me because they want to, yet it would make things easier...
Today was an awful morning at work. Just awful. I was so frustrated, irritated, annoyed...I could have just thrown up.. Why are people so rude? Especially when they are asking you for HELP? I don't know what I would do without my coworkers... they are so awesome and we can always vent and laugh about things together. It's so nice...
I miss him. I could have used one of his strong, comforting hugs today.... Miss him like crazy... I'd like to think he's really happy with her... and I'm guessing right now he probably is. I just see him getting hurt in the long run with her... I don't see it playing out in his favor. But that's not really for me to have an opinion on. I don't want to see him get hurt again. He deserves so much... I don't know why I'm constantly thinking about what's good for him and how I hope he's ok... what about me? That's the kind of person I am. I care more about others than I do about myself.... what good comes from that? nothing... Who's there to care about me? To make sure I'm ok? Most of the time I don't feel like anyone really cares. I don't advertise my hurt because that's stupid, but my close friends who know what I'm going through... don't ask if I'm ok. They check in to see how I'm doing.. and that hurts...
I started back at Kosama yesterday...after 6 weeks off. It kicked my ass...literally. I needed it, too. I'm going to try and stick with it through my paid term...through June. Then I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe join a gym. I feel like my weight is one thing in my life I have control over....
I'm not sure what to write about right now... I shed a few tears tonight for the first time in awhile... so that's improvement. I no longer cry everyday... but I still miss him everyday. Why can't I stop thinking about him..? or writing about him? I feel like he was a once in a lifetime kind of person... Why wasn't I good enough?? Why am I NEVER good enough??
Do I burn his bridge? Do I try to totally forget him and give up and move on? If so, how? I've never really burned a bridge like that before.. I always hold out hope... I always want it to work out in the end... I want him... still.. I suck..
I think it's time for bed....
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