Stronger...

Today felt pretty good... it was probably one of the better days I've had in a while emotionally. I didn't feel as consistently down and had some good revelation thoughts on some things... It's a given that I think about everything all the time... way too much.. I'm just trying to figure all this out. Figure out how I feel.. and where to go from here... how to move forward.

Tonight on The Bachelor was the "women tell all" episode. There are two girls left and this is the week before the "final rose" and all the women who have been sent home come back and pretty much bitch and talk about everything that has happened.... One of the final two girls' names is Courtney. She is a major bitch and everyone hates her. She's rude and mean and just plain hateful.. No one can understand why Ben (the bachelor) is still with her and what he sees in her. She doesn't get along with anyone and is extremely fake...

Anyways.... one of the girls said something about the situation with Ben and Courtney that really made me think... She said something to the likes of "If that's the type of person you're going to fall for, you are not the person I want". Kiiiinda hit me like a ton of bricks... Now I don't know much about this Jessica bitch that Zach is dating...except for the things he told me (which never made her seem that great...) and I've seen on facebook, but if that's what he's looking for.. if that's the type of person he wants to spend forever with... then I was totally in the wrong... he's not who I thought he was at all.. which is sad and disappointing.

I'm getting stronger in getting past this situation and trying to move forward... even though I have no idea where I'm going now... but the thing I can't get past is the lying... he was soooo thorough with the lying and saying not to worry about her, I wanna be with you; I like you... Lied to my fucking face... multiple times about her... pisses me off.  I don't know how a person does that.. how they can live with themselves doing that to an innocent, honest, caring person.. Sickens me.

Part of me... deep down.. likes to think he's really that person I fell for in the beginning. He's really a nice guy, with a good head on his shoulders, a family man... hard working.. gentleman..  but what he's done to me kind of clouds that over. Is he just wanting a little fun? You don't do that with a person who has children... I'm sorry that's wrong on both their parts.. Don't involve kids.. Stupid. Or is this really someone he sees himself with in the long run? If it is... there HAS to be something better out there... there just has to be...

I'm not looking for it right now. I don't even want it to find me right now. I don't want to think about opening up to someone or getting in to a relationship with someone right now... it makes me sick, actually. But I do eventually want it.. badly. I just hope I don't lose hope... lose faith in men... in honesty. It's going to take awhile for me to trust someone again...