Wide open spaces

I've got a lot on my mind tonight... and no idea where to start... I've really been liking meeting with a counselor every couple weeks. It's nice to have someone who actually listens to me... to have an hour where I can talk all about my life and what's wrong... and not have to feel guilty about it. I hate how selfish I feel/sound when I want something to be about me.. I just don't get it a lot.. although my parents will tell you differently.

I have to take back some things I said in my last post... cause tonight I've been really missing Zach... I'm not sure why... No one has ever made me feel the way he did when we were together. I never knew what I wanted in a man until I met him... he met criteria I didn't even knew I had.. I could completely be myself.. now I'm just a freak of a mess he's felt behind. Who is going to fall in love with a person like this? Who will love someone who is overly emotional and untrusting? I'd been repairing my heart for quite some time and now I feel like I'm having to start over again... My heart feels like it will never be whole again... who wants someone with a shattered heart?

I'm so sick of living with my parents. I miss my freedom. Having to move back in, again, made me feel like a failure... again. I feel like I'm always failing at things.. and I'm always doing things on my own. I'm hoping to get out of here for good next time... which is why I'm hoping to find a part time job so I can save up even more money... to create a bigger safety net so I won't end up back here again. Hopefully by the end of summer I will be able to start looking for apartments again..

I just have to remember I'm taking (small) steps forward... towards my goals...

Somebody that I used to know.

I don't really miss him anymore... I miss who I thought he was, how he made me feel and my plans for our future... but I don't miss him. He's a liar and she's a whore, they are perfect for eachother.. he can go play house/family with her and her kids all he wants.. I do not want someone like that in my life.. Now all I have to do is repair the damage and move on... which is easier said than done.

I've been getting better. I'm ok with my life for the most part. I mean, I hate living with my parents in Iowa... but I have a good job, great friends and I'm starting to love my body and who I am as a person. Now I just want to find someone who loves me for me. Is that a hard thing to do? Is surely seems so... for me anyway.

It's going to be a big step for me to trust someone now.. I'm scared as hell to put myself out there again. I don't want to get hurt... It sucks because I know what I want... and some of those things require a partner.. Mostly, though, I just want to have someone to lean on, depend on, share life with, love, and wake up next to in the morning...

Everything in life is about choices. We have free will for a reason and we are able to chose our own destiny. I don't think our life can be pre-determined... there's just no way. I've made choices that have led me to where I am in life... so why do I keep complaining about where I'm at? It's my fault I'm here. It's what I chose, right?

I need someone to prove all men aren't like him...

Time marches on

Well it's been a week. Back at home... back at work... back at Kosama. Work pretty much sucked all last week. I'm not sure if it was just because I'd been gone for a week or that it was just that crazy.. Being at home, as always, is just ok. I'm here.. I have to be here. It just sucks. Kosama has been great though. I worked out 5 days last week.. first time I did that in a VERY long time. I didn't get up to go workout on Saturday morning, though, cause I wanted to naturally wake up, which ended up being at like 8.. but instead I got in a few miles on our treadmill at home.. even running a couple. It felt great. I haven't ran in almost a year due to some injuries so I was really happy about that. I'm going to start doing it more often I think.

Friday night I hung out with a guy I met online. I'm still not so sure what I think of online dating.. even though I've been "doing it" for several years now. Why can't I just meet people normally?? But anyway, I went to his house (which is usually a NO for the first meeting...) because he just had his tonsils taken out so he can't really go out or do anything right now, and we watched a movie. I was really nervous... but it was really good. We talked and had a good time. Now from past experience I'm not getting my hopes up.. not getting attached.. trying not to really even care about it. He's a really nice, super sweet guy.. Likes horses. :) So we'll see what happens.. hopefully I'll get to see him again.. soon.

On a deeper level.. I'm still feeling hurt.. lost.. confused.. angry.. bitter.. unsure.. alone... I just wish life gave clear answers... I wish I knew what I was supposed to do about everything. I know I'm the biggest thing holding me back from taking risks and chances... but I just don't want to get hurt again.. and I don't want to fail. I've retreated back into my shell pretty far this time and it's going to take a lot to pry me out this time. I've put up bigger, stronger walls around my heart. I'm the only one that protect me. But what if by protecting myself I'm really just keeping myself from greatness? What if I'm just standing in my own way of my destiny? Destiny. Is there such a thing? What is my purpose? My destiny? Where do I belong?

Three people I know got engaged recently. It's just not fair... But, Aimee, life's not fair... right? When is it going to be my turn? I know I need to be patient and let life take on it's course.. there's someone.. something better out there for me... blah blah blah.. I've heard it all a million times. I want my fairytale. There. I said it. I'm like every other girl out there who fell in love with fairytales... expecting them to come true... expecting it to be real life. But I know it's not.. though deep down I still cling to that childhood fantasy.. I want to fall in love... and have someone fall in love with me back. Is that too much to ask for? Seems like it...

I'm back...

I got back to Iowa yesterday evening... I cried a little leaving San Diego... and watching the ocean get smaller and smaller... Strange to think of the ocean as small.. I spent all week marveling at it's vastness... it's greatness.. I felt so small and so insignificant.

I did a lot of thinking in California.. a lot. I'm pretty sure I went there to get away from this mess I'm living in... and to heal. I thought being away could heal me.. I've come back more hurt and confused than before I left.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being there and I LOVED the relaxation and time to myself and with my family there... and I LOVED seeing another part of the country... but I feel so lost. so alone. Who am I and what am I doing here?? What am I doing with my life? I've lived in the same town; in the same house my entire life.. I live in a sheltered little box.. in this stupid town. I want to leave so badly, but I just feel so stuck. Where would I go? I don't really have much money... What would I do? I don't have a degree...

I felt like Zach and I were in the same place at the same time for a reason.. things felt different.. it felt so right.. We knew each other years ago and were brought back together... for this? I finally felt like I was still in the town for a reason, that I'd found what I'd been missing... what I'd been searching for... wrong again.. Now what? I don't know where to go from here... what to do.. I want out. I want out bad...

Getting on that plane and coming back to this hell hole.. to this town full of memories and pain... it sucked.

I want to find answers.. I want to find purpose. I want to find happiness.. I want to find love.. but who could ever love someone as messed up as me? Who can I even trust? People lie... cheat... steal...

The only person I can count on is me...

Tails California...

Well... I'm minutes away from leaving... I will be heading out to Omaha here shortly for my flight to San Diego. I can't believe it's here already... seems like I've been waiting FOREVER! I'm a little nervous, I haven't flown in about 3 years... and never out of Omaha.. It's ok though, I can handle it.

I can't wait to see my uncle and cousins... I can't wait to see palm trees and the beach... I can't wait to not be in Iowa.. to not have to work.. to not have to think about all the shit that's happened... It took awhile for it to hit me this morning.. and for me to wake up. I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA!!! I still can't really believe it...

I hope this trip is as rejuvenating and refreshing... and relaxing as I'm anticipating. I need a break.. from everything.. I hope I get to meet new people and experience great things. I'm open.. to it all right now. Nothing is holding me back.. for the first time in my life.. I'm completely free..

It's time for me to let go...

I still stumble.

My life is so up and down... I'm seeing the effects alcohol is having on me.. and I'm not liking who I am when I decide to get super drunk... Recently I've hurt people that really care about me due to my carelessness when I've been drinking... I don't know why I do it... well, I do know why but I hate that reason too. I didn't even see Zach over the weekend, just his friends, and I still lost it.. still got drunk.. still got upset... I'm not sure what it is.. the fact that I see them and they remind me of him.. or the look they give me... the look of "you thought you were really going to be with him?" or the fact that some of them have to be an ass... I am better and stronger.... I am stronger... and I will be ok.... I just wish it was easier right now.

I talked to my Uncle Dan and cousins tonight... I can't wait for Saturday when I can board that plane... and fly. I can't wait to see them and I can't wait to relax, unwind and just be free...  It's going to be so much fun getting to spend a whole week with them. I seriously can't wait...

I'm so lucky for the friends I have in my life... Even when I mess up.. they still care.. I fall down and they help pick me up..

State of Confusion

I don't really know how I'm feeling right now... I feel confused... and alone. I don't really think I miss Zach right now, I just miss who he was... or who I thought he was... I miss how I felt when I was with him... and the way I felt when he looked at me... I want to have that again... I want to find the real thing. But I'm so scared. I honestly don't know how to trust someone now.

I've been so up and down since I saw him a couple weeks ago.. it just hurts so damn much. I don't know what to think... or do. Every time I get my heart broken... I never feel like it will get any better... and then eventually it does... but then I end up getting hurt worse than the time before.. Why can't I find more? I deserve better... Sometimes I really think something is wrong with me... why can't anyone fall in love with me? I just want to be loved...

I feel like I ramble on and on about the same things here... glad it's only for my eyes to read.... I can't say any of this to anyone else and not feel stupid or judged.

I am OK with being single right now, really I am. For the first time ever...
I don't know... I want this nightmare to be over....