I've been feeling a lot of different emotions lately...but tonight I felt anger. This was my third day back at Kosama and it was kickboxing.. and it was intense. I beat the living shit out of that bag tonight... and all could see was Zach's face...and that stupid little bitch's too.. It felt so good. Makes me a little mad that I hadn't been doing it for the past 6 weeks... I'm just trying to look up...
I want to feel better. I really do.. But sometimes I wonder if I'm purposely bringing myself down...purposely reminding myself of how great I had it for such a short time.. I'm so scared to feel that again, though. How will I know when it's real? How will I know the truth...ever? I don't know how to trust again. The past four years have just sucked a lot out of me emotionally. I feel so cheap.
I haven't prayed in about four years either. When things ended with Austin..I was so upset, so mad and hurt... I blamed God a lot. How could He take something like that from me? Ever since then I just keep getting shit on and I don't know what to believe in anymore. I like to think I'm a good person, so why don't I feel like I'm getting what I deserve? Why do I see others who cheat and abuse people/things/relationships getting the things I so desperately want out of life..?
I'm so envious of so many others... I know that's not a good thing, but I can't help it. So many others seem to get what I want. Why can't I get it, too? Why do I have to constantly get hurt and feel broken while others find purpose and meaning in their lives? When is it going to be my turn? I feel so stuck... so useless. I feel like this blob just moving around doing mundane things day in and day out. I feel like I'm going nowhere..
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