I'm so exhausted.

I don't even know where to begin... I've been doing so well. I've been back to Kosama... and feeling pretty good. Finally got to go back to my friend Larissa's for girls night on Wednesday to watch One Tree Hill. I'm so glad we're still friends. We have been through a lot together over the years... Friday night, Larissa and I went out to see one of her coworker's band play. Her and I haven't gone out just us in a long time.... and Sarah met up with us later. It was a lot of fun. It felt like the old days again... back before weddings and babies and... life..

It's not that I'd like to go back in life... cause I can't anyway... but there are some things about those days that I miss.. a lot. Everything seemed simple then. It was high school.. everyone was in high school.. taking classes... going to prom.. thinking about college... Now it feels like the only thing we have in common is our age... some of us are married... having babies... working.. still in school... traveling.. I feel so disconnected. I feel stuck.

Saturday night I went out with Bekha... on her date... He was supposed to bring his roommate... but he backed out. We went to a bar none of us had been to before. There was band playing and we were probably the youngest people there! It was nice, but I don't think we were feeling it... so he suggested Miss Kitty's... I don't turn that down, plus I would have a chance to maybe find someone to talk to.... boy did the night have other plans for me...

I was drinking, but not planning on drinking too much... a group of girls that are in Zach's circle of friends walked in... I was ok with it, I could handle that... then 'she' walked in... and so did he and ALL his friends... I wanted to throw up. Of course he had to be all over her... and of course they had to congregate near the bar where my tab was open... suddenly my drink just wasn't strong enough.. my drinking increased... I found a hot bull rider....YES, he was a bull rider.... and danced with him. She is so fucking ugly. I looked really, really good... He looked like shit.. just to be honest. They don't look good together... at all. There was one point where I knew for sure he saw me.. Fuck him. My night was going downhill fast... Then his best friend Cody saw me... he raised his beer bottle to "cheers" me... so I did and tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to say something to me.. then he came over.. He asked me how I've been. All I could say was "super"... he looked pretty sincere and somewhat concerned, but I still thought it was rude. (but I was drunk...) then he said "it's good to see you" and I said "you too..." and he walked away... Why did he have to say anything?? He was the ONLY one. and I know they ALL saw me... I had the my counseling session Friday night and she told me to get over him I would eventually have to see him.... I just didn't expect it to be that soon.. and with her... I just kept drinking.. I'm not quite sure how I held it all together...

We eventually left and Bekha drove me home.. I had barely gotten out of her car before the tears started falling... they fell harder and harder as I changed into my pajamas... I noticed my younger sister, Alyssa's lights were still on in her room. I walked in and she saw I was crying and she asked what happen... I told her that I saw him there with her... and the flood of tears just came... she held me as I cried.. and cried. I hadn't cried like that in weeks... It was SO draining... Today I just feel exhausted... physically exhausted... mentally exhausted... emotionally exhausted.. I just hope after this it gets easier. He looked bad.. she looked bad... thank God. I don't know what he sees in her... what he's thinking.. it's so frustrating... it's so hard.

I have 20 days until I leave for San Diego... It's not coming fast enough. I need to leave this place.. I need to get out of here... I'm barely hanging on...