Sabotage.

 I can't for the life of me figure out why I ruin everything. I finally found a really great guy who liked me and cared about and wanted to do anything in his power to make me happy..... but I just didn't "feel" it. Why? Why must I constantly let my ex boyfriend get in my head and let me ruin things? I wish I didn't wake up every morning thinking about him. I wish my mind didn't wander to thoughts of him through out the day. I wish I didn't reach for my phone time after time to call or text him. I wish I didn't long to lay next to him when I go to bed at night. When will this end? Why can't I find someone that I like more than him. Who takes my mind off him..? There are some days that I want him so bad it hurts. I replay conversations and perfect moments in my mind. I can hear him singing every song on the radio..... I can hear him singing a song to me on the phone. Why can't I just let myself be happy without him? Why can't I un-fall in love with him....

Lost.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. There are so many nights I fall asleep hoping that I don't have to wake up in the morning. I barely have any "real" friends. I feel like all I do is pretend. I pretend to love living alone. I pretend to love working at a job that I don't want to be at forever. I pretend to be happy. I'm looking for love again because I feel like it's the only thing that will get me to stop wanting my ex....only thing is, it hasn't helped yet. I'm scared to never feel that way again. I'm scared of being alone.