Tails California...

Well... I'm minutes away from leaving... I will be heading out to Omaha here shortly for my flight to San Diego. I can't believe it's here already... seems like I've been waiting FOREVER! I'm a little nervous, I haven't flown in about 3 years... and never out of Omaha.. It's ok though, I can handle it.

I can't wait to see my uncle and cousins... I can't wait to see palm trees and the beach... I can't wait to not be in Iowa.. to not have to work.. to not have to think about all the shit that's happened... It took awhile for it to hit me this morning.. and for me to wake up. I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA!!! I still can't really believe it...

I hope this trip is as rejuvenating and refreshing... and relaxing as I'm anticipating. I need a break.. from everything.. I hope I get to meet new people and experience great things. I'm open.. to it all right now. Nothing is holding me back.. for the first time in my life.. I'm completely free..

It's time for me to let go...

I still stumble.

My life is so up and down... I'm seeing the effects alcohol is having on me.. and I'm not liking who I am when I decide to get super drunk... Recently I've hurt people that really care about me due to my carelessness when I've been drinking... I don't know why I do it... well, I do know why but I hate that reason too. I didn't even see Zach over the weekend, just his friends, and I still lost it.. still got drunk.. still got upset... I'm not sure what it is.. the fact that I see them and they remind me of him.. or the look they give me... the look of "you thought you were really going to be with him?" or the fact that some of them have to be an ass... I am better and stronger.... I am stronger... and I will be ok.... I just wish it was easier right now.

I talked to my Uncle Dan and cousins tonight... I can't wait for Saturday when I can board that plane... and fly. I can't wait to see them and I can't wait to relax, unwind and just be free...  It's going to be so much fun getting to spend a whole week with them. I seriously can't wait...

I'm so lucky for the friends I have in my life... Even when I mess up.. they still care.. I fall down and they help pick me up..

State of Confusion

I don't really know how I'm feeling right now... I feel confused... and alone. I don't really think I miss Zach right now, I just miss who he was... or who I thought he was... I miss how I felt when I was with him... and the way I felt when he looked at me... I want to have that again... I want to find the real thing. But I'm so scared. I honestly don't know how to trust someone now.

I've been so up and down since I saw him a couple weeks ago.. it just hurts so damn much. I don't know what to think... or do. Every time I get my heart broken... I never feel like it will get any better... and then eventually it does... but then I end up getting hurt worse than the time before.. Why can't I find more? I deserve better... Sometimes I really think something is wrong with me... why can't anyone fall in love with me? I just want to be loved...

I feel like I ramble on and on about the same things here... glad it's only for my eyes to read.... I can't say any of this to anyone else and not feel stupid or judged.

I am OK with being single right now, really I am. For the first time ever...
I don't know... I want this nightmare to be over....

St. Patty's Day..

Last weekend was St. Patrick's Day weekend.. never celebrated it before... I went down to Maryville, Missouri to visit my friend Julie.. and had a blast. I haven't had that much carefree fun in... so, so long... My mind was so clear and soooo not in Iowa. I can't even describe the feeling. I probably got way too drunk... but I don't care. Made out with guys... and who knows what else.. It was so fun!

Coming back was not so great... It's like as soon as I crossed the boarder...all the shit in my life came back. I want to go away and never come back.. can I please?? They are in "love".. really? You have to post that shit? She's so fucking ugly... I hate her... I hate this all. I have guys coming out of the woodwork who are interested in my and I could care less.. I'm not interested in anything... I don't want to be with anyone... I. Don't. Care. I'm not really liking the person I've been really... not really caring about anything... drinking more than I should... I just don't know what to do.

I am 11 days away from my vacation.. 11 days away from freedom... from getting out of this hell hole..  I cannot wait to get out of here for more than just a few days.... to see the ocean... to relax... to melt away all this crap... I can't wait to just forget... I hope I can forget...

Life's a dance..

I'm not even sure what to write about tonight...I just know I haven't written in awhile.. I'm sad tonight and I don't know why... I started crying on the way home from Larissa's house... I miss him. Still.. but why?? Ever since I saw him Saturday night I feel like I've taken a few steps back in my progress. I know he was with her... but I don't know, I still miss what we had and how I felt when I was with him... when he held me.

I'm so lost right now. I don't know how he could do this to me... I don't understand how he's ok with everything... with lying to me. Why am I not enough? I've asked this question SO many times...

I want to get in my car and just drive.. forever. I'm taking a trip down to Missouri on Friday to see a friend for the weekend... I think the car ride will be good for me, but it will be lots of time to think...which I do too much of already. I don't know... I can't wait to get away from here. I feel like I do a good job of keeping myself busy and avoiding everything that's happened... but is that really a good thing? I should be facing everything... I should be fighting...

I'm so exhausted.

I don't even know where to begin... I've been doing so well. I've been back to Kosama... and feeling pretty good. Finally got to go back to my friend Larissa's for girls night on Wednesday to watch One Tree Hill. I'm so glad we're still friends. We have been through a lot together over the years... Friday night, Larissa and I went out to see one of her coworker's band play. Her and I haven't gone out just us in a long time.... and Sarah met up with us later. It was a lot of fun. It felt like the old days again... back before weddings and babies and... life..

It's not that I'd like to go back in life... cause I can't anyway... but there are some things about those days that I miss.. a lot. Everything seemed simple then. It was high school.. everyone was in high school.. taking classes... going to prom.. thinking about college... Now it feels like the only thing we have in common is our age... some of us are married... having babies... working.. still in school... traveling.. I feel so disconnected. I feel stuck.

Saturday night I went out with Bekha... on her date... He was supposed to bring his roommate... but he backed out. We went to a bar none of us had been to before. There was band playing and we were probably the youngest people there! It was nice, but I don't think we were feeling it... so he suggested Miss Kitty's... I don't turn that down, plus I would have a chance to maybe find someone to talk to.... boy did the night have other plans for me...

I was drinking, but not planning on drinking too much... a group of girls that are in Zach's circle of friends walked in... I was ok with it, I could handle that... then 'she' walked in... and so did he and ALL his friends... I wanted to throw up. Of course he had to be all over her... and of course they had to congregate near the bar where my tab was open... suddenly my drink just wasn't strong enough.. my drinking increased... I found a hot bull rider....YES, he was a bull rider.... and danced with him. She is so fucking ugly. I looked really, really good... He looked like shit.. just to be honest. They don't look good together... at all. There was one point where I knew for sure he saw me.. Fuck him. My night was going downhill fast... Then his best friend Cody saw me... he raised his beer bottle to "cheers" me... so I did and tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to say something to me.. then he came over.. He asked me how I've been. All I could say was "super"... he looked pretty sincere and somewhat concerned, but I still thought it was rude. (but I was drunk...) then he said "it's good to see you" and I said "you too..." and he walked away... Why did he have to say anything?? He was the ONLY one. and I know they ALL saw me... I had the my counseling session Friday night and she told me to get over him I would eventually have to see him.... I just didn't expect it to be that soon.. and with her... I just kept drinking.. I'm not quite sure how I held it all together...

We eventually left and Bekha drove me home.. I had barely gotten out of her car before the tears started falling... they fell harder and harder as I changed into my pajamas... I noticed my younger sister, Alyssa's lights were still on in her room. I walked in and she saw I was crying and she asked what happen... I told her that I saw him there with her... and the flood of tears just came... she held me as I cried.. and cried. I hadn't cried like that in weeks... It was SO draining... Today I just feel exhausted... physically exhausted... mentally exhausted... emotionally exhausted.. I just hope after this it gets easier. He looked bad.. she looked bad... thank God. I don't know what he sees in her... what he's thinking.. it's so frustrating... it's so hard.

I have 20 days until I leave for San Diego... It's not coming fast enough. I need to leave this place.. I need to get out of here... I'm barely hanging on...

Going through the motions...

Every day is a new battle... or a new day... I'm constantly just reminding myself.. "get through today". I live by the minute... I have trouble thinking too far into the future because I can barely hold it together right now. I can't believe how up and down I still am.. I unfortunately still see his stupid facebook page and every stupid thing she posts or tags him in... I hate it, but I can't bring myself to delete him.. I'm an idiot. I really don't know how I will ever get past this situation...the lying.. it just hurts so damn bad.

On another note... I've had 3 days of great workouts this week. I always feel SO much better afterwards...should be motivation to continue and keep it up. I'm just going to have to figure out on some days how to fit working out back into my life with my new-found social life! Ha. I don't want to give up my standing plans w/the girls (because I need them just as much as the workouts)... but I need to make sure I workout every day too.. This may mean some early morning workouts in my future, but I have to do it. I have to stay active and help my self esteem. I need to like what I see when I look in the mirror... I need to love myself...

Lately I've been "feeling good" and being ok...and "happier"... I sometimes feel like I'm being too fake... like "fake it till ya make it" kinda thing... but I have to do it. Otherwise I'd be a mess all the time. I have to make others think I'm ok, cause hopefully I'll convince myself that I'm ok... Wouldn't you think that works? If I tell myself I'm happy and ok, sooner or later I should actually be, right? Not many will ever know how badly I'm breaking on the inside and how damaged I am now... I put up my walls and put up a front... I'm strong. But once I'm all alone....

Today is a new day

Today was such a great day... Yes, I said GREAT! It was 70 degrees outside today... yes, on March 6th, it was 70 degrees!! Tuesdays at work in the west office usually kind of suck.... today was pretty good. Got in a good walk with a coworker over lunch... then went on a long walk after work with some good friends/coworkers... then got back to Kosama for upper body and abs!! It felt SO great!!

I've just felt very empowered recently.... I'm as "ok" with being single as I can be. Trying to just do me and figure out my life. I don't even know how to describe how I feel... I still have my issues... but I feel so much better. I feel happy again... as happy as I can be.

In a way I still feel kind of stuck here in Iowa. I want to travel. I want to see the world... if I'm single I might as well take advantage of opportunities. I hate it when people tell me that I have so much time and I'm so young... I'm trying to embrace it right now, though it's hard. I know I'm technically "young" but I know what I want and I hate waiting for it... I learn more and more that I can't plan my life.. I don't really have control over how my life plays out.. it's a kind of frustrating, but in a way, kind of exciting, too. I can't wait for my future... but I don't want to miss the present...

Stronger...

Today felt pretty good... it was probably one of the better days I've had in a while emotionally. I didn't feel as consistently down and had some good revelation thoughts on some things... It's a given that I think about everything all the time... way too much.. I'm just trying to figure all this out. Figure out how I feel.. and where to go from here... how to move forward.

Tonight on The Bachelor was the "women tell all" episode. There are two girls left and this is the week before the "final rose" and all the women who have been sent home come back and pretty much bitch and talk about everything that has happened.... One of the final two girls' names is Courtney. She is a major bitch and everyone hates her. She's rude and mean and just plain hateful.. No one can understand why Ben (the bachelor) is still with her and what he sees in her. She doesn't get along with anyone and is extremely fake...

Anyways.... one of the girls said something about the situation with Ben and Courtney that really made me think... She said something to the likes of "If that's the type of person you're going to fall for, you are not the person I want". Kiiiinda hit me like a ton of bricks... Now I don't know much about this Jessica bitch that Zach is dating...except for the things he told me (which never made her seem that great...) and I've seen on facebook, but if that's what he's looking for.. if that's the type of person he wants to spend forever with... then I was totally in the wrong... he's not who I thought he was at all.. which is sad and disappointing.

I'm getting stronger in getting past this situation and trying to move forward... even though I have no idea where I'm going now... but the thing I can't get past is the lying... he was soooo thorough with the lying and saying not to worry about her, I wanna be with you; I like you... Lied to my fucking face... multiple times about her... pisses me off.  I don't know how a person does that.. how they can live with themselves doing that to an innocent, honest, caring person.. Sickens me.

Part of me... deep down.. likes to think he's really that person I fell for in the beginning. He's really a nice guy, with a good head on his shoulders, a family man... hard working.. gentleman..  but what he's done to me kind of clouds that over. Is he just wanting a little fun? You don't do that with a person who has children... I'm sorry that's wrong on both their parts.. Don't involve kids.. Stupid. Or is this really someone he sees himself with in the long run? If it is... there HAS to be something better out there... there just has to be...

I'm not looking for it right now. I don't even want it to find me right now. I don't want to think about opening up to someone or getting in to a relationship with someone right now... it makes me sick, actually. But I do eventually want it.. badly. I just hope I don't lose hope... lose faith in men... in honesty. It's going to take awhile for me to trust someone again...

Where do I go from here?

First of all, I'm so tired of being sick. I've been on meds for a sinus infection for over a week now... still feel like crap. Started getting an ear ache yesterday... so I've been using some drops... Woke up today with pain/burning feeling in my left eye that could possibly be the start of pink eye?? What the hell? I'm just soooo tired of it all..

I'm also really tired of being "strong". I've been putting on this front like everything is ok, I tell everyone I'm ok... I feel like I have to.. Who really wants to listen to me go over and over about how I don't understand this and I miss him and I can't believe he lied to me and on and on... NO ONE! I don't really feel like anyone cares about that. They all think... run for your life.. stay away from him... he's an ass... you're better without him... blah blah blah... What about what this has done to me? How do I move on? It's constantly in the back of my mind.

I can't wait for my vacation.. Hopefully I'll have time to just do me... soul searching time. Find some time to just... break down.. I need to completely fall apart before I can get it together. I cry here and there.. I rant occasionally to those who will listen... but I have yet to just crumble.. (openly) inside I'm just a mess and falling apart and I don't know what to do.

It's starting to see that this whole blog is about this shit hole my life has become and what I've gone through... I blog about it daily.. no wonder my friends don't want to hear my yak on and on about it... it's kind of annoying, but I can't help it. I've starting going to a church downtown... I like it and the people are really nice, I'm just still not sure where I can with God. I'm angry and upset... But I guess it's a start... I'm searching..

Rolling in the deep....

Tonight I had some good girl time with my friend/coworker, April.. We like to go to Miss Kitty's on Thursday's for their dance lessons. Tonight, though, we didn't do much dancing. We just talked over a drink, which was MUCH needed. On both ends. She's a really good friend and I'm glad I have her in my life. She's easy to talk to and fun to be with.. I think I'm really starting to get out there and figure out who my friends really are...and be more social.

There is a big song out right now by an artist (who is amazing) Adele...called "Rolling in the Deep". I used to hate this song. The radio stations played it over and over and I just could not stand listening to it..... until the night I heard her perform it live on the Grammy's. I actually listened to the words to this song...and it's my life. It's about a girl that gets played. She gave her all to this guy and all her love, and he just played her... I'm constantly in that position...

I'm so scared to trust a guy again. Right now, I've been back in the online dating world...chatting with 4 or 5 different guys..not really caring too much if the do or don't keep the conversations going... because I'm not looking for something serious... not looking for anything more than friends and having fun... That's another thing... since when did wanting to "have fun" start to me "I want to jump into bed with you and have sex immediately"?? That's seems to be what ALL guys are looking for... At least Zach was decent enough never to pressure me or push the situation... Can't there be more guys like that? Apparently guys don't have morals...and I feel like they think girls shouldn't either... We should just want to have sex with any guy... It's sad...to be honest..

It's hard to still find good in people these days...