Recently I have been inspired to set goals for myself. It is always good to have something you're working towards. Gives you the feeling of purpose...which I need. So many times I wonder what my purpose is. I have created a list of short term and long term goals:
1-5 years-
*Get a degree
*Go to Boston (Fenway)
*Go to Europe
*Run a 5K
*Run a half marathon
*Get married
*Start having kids
*Go on a mission trip
10 years-
*Own a house
*Run in the Boston marathon
*Visit all 50 states
*Own a draft horse
*Sponsor a child
*Go on a cruise
I feel that setting these goals, writing them down and putting them out there gives me something to work towards.
Make. Life. Happen.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I will always love you...
I know, I know. Two posts in one day... But I just had to get all of this out of my head. This is a rough outline of a letter I'd love to send to someone. I might someday, but right now I don't think they would really appreciate it.
Dear _________,
I don't know how to even start this. Maybe I should just tell you that I know writing this all out is lame and kind of high school girl-ish, but it's the only way I can think of to get everything out and have you hear it all. It's not always easy to have a serious conversation with you. You always turn things into a joke and no one ever knows what you're really feeling.... but maybe that's what you intend to do all along...
When I met you I never thought things would go anywhere. Ever. I had just lost the "love of my life" and never thought I could feel that way again. Until I met you. You were nothing that I ever thought I wanted, but everything that I needed. The way you helped me through everything was amazing. Being with you made me feel so special again. I fell way too hard and way too fast. I'm still not sure what happened between us, or why it had to end. I wonder about it often. We are so different, yet so alike. Somedays I still think we are so good for each other.
I know you "know" this, but I love you. I've never said it to your face or even written it to you before. We broke up before I could. I've never grown to love or care about someone as quickly as I did with you....that could be why I have a problem with it now... I thought I knew what love was when I had my first love, but with you it was/is different. I care about you more than you know and more than I can show or expain. Just please always remember I care....
I know you hurt a lot of the time...I do too. I know you were hurt in the past, but I really wish you wouldn't let her control who you are today. It's been almost 3 years since my high school boyfriend and I broke up, and I've learned that he may have effected the person I was and the person I am today, but he has no effect on who I am becoming...who I'm going to be. He's out of the picture. I wish you could feel that way too. Am I complete healed? No. Do I have great self-esteem? No. Do I still get depressed and wonder how he fell out of love with me? Yes. But I know there is better to come for me and I just look at where my life has gone since then and how good I am doing. You have soooo much potential. I know I've told you that, but I really mean. You are talented and smart. You could do so much in life. You just have to convince yourself. There is more to life. It does get better.
You and me. I really don't understand our relationship. It makes no sense. You never act like we're "just friends". Some of the things you do and the things you say just don't add up. I'm not the only one who sees it either so I know I'm not just imagining it. I wish you could talk about how you feel. Maybe you really don't see me as more than a friend, I just wish you acted like that if that's how you feel. It does make it hard on me.... There are days I wish we could try it again. I wish you could see how much I love you and know that I would never hurt you. I know it sounds stuck up, but I'm a good catch. I don't cheat. I don't sleep around when I'm single. I have good values. I have morals. I'm just a good person. Sometimes I feel like a guy won't ever see that.... I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure. I know I could be good for you. We could be good together. I know it. I hate that we rarely talk anymore...but most of the time I don't know how to talk to you because I don't know where we stand. I don't know what you think or how you feel. It's hard....
Do you remember when we broke up? We were in your apartment. You were laying on the floor and I was sitting in the chair. You just kept saying you weren't good for me. But then you said you didn't want to lose me in your life. Do you still feel that way? Do you still worry about losing me? I worry about losing you....or that I already have.. And I wish you wouldn't tell me you're not good for me. Let me chose. Let me decide who's good for me. I would pick you all over again.
Now that I've said too much and you probably won't talk to me agian. I'm done with this letter. I hope you think about some of the things I've said. Mostly about how you have so much to offer in this world and so much life left to live. If we never become anything more than friends. Or if we lose touch in a few years.... I hope you won't ever forget me and just know that I will always love you and care about you so much.
All my love...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, so I probably wouldn't say all of that to him...but it feels good to get everything I'm feeling off my chest. ♥
Dear _________,
I don't know how to even start this. Maybe I should just tell you that I know writing this all out is lame and kind of high school girl-ish, but it's the only way I can think of to get everything out and have you hear it all. It's not always easy to have a serious conversation with you. You always turn things into a joke and no one ever knows what you're really feeling.... but maybe that's what you intend to do all along...
When I met you I never thought things would go anywhere. Ever. I had just lost the "love of my life" and never thought I could feel that way again. Until I met you. You were nothing that I ever thought I wanted, but everything that I needed. The way you helped me through everything was amazing. Being with you made me feel so special again. I fell way too hard and way too fast. I'm still not sure what happened between us, or why it had to end. I wonder about it often. We are so different, yet so alike. Somedays I still think we are so good for each other.
I know you "know" this, but I love you. I've never said it to your face or even written it to you before. We broke up before I could. I've never grown to love or care about someone as quickly as I did with you....that could be why I have a problem with it now... I thought I knew what love was when I had my first love, but with you it was/is different. I care about you more than you know and more than I can show or expain. Just please always remember I care....
I know you hurt a lot of the time...I do too. I know you were hurt in the past, but I really wish you wouldn't let her control who you are today. It's been almost 3 years since my high school boyfriend and I broke up, and I've learned that he may have effected the person I was and the person I am today, but he has no effect on who I am becoming...who I'm going to be. He's out of the picture. I wish you could feel that way too. Am I complete healed? No. Do I have great self-esteem? No. Do I still get depressed and wonder how he fell out of love with me? Yes. But I know there is better to come for me and I just look at where my life has gone since then and how good I am doing. You have soooo much potential. I know I've told you that, but I really mean. You are talented and smart. You could do so much in life. You just have to convince yourself. There is more to life. It does get better.
You and me. I really don't understand our relationship. It makes no sense. You never act like we're "just friends". Some of the things you do and the things you say just don't add up. I'm not the only one who sees it either so I know I'm not just imagining it. I wish you could talk about how you feel. Maybe you really don't see me as more than a friend, I just wish you acted like that if that's how you feel. It does make it hard on me.... There are days I wish we could try it again. I wish you could see how much I love you and know that I would never hurt you. I know it sounds stuck up, but I'm a good catch. I don't cheat. I don't sleep around when I'm single. I have good values. I have morals. I'm just a good person. Sometimes I feel like a guy won't ever see that.... I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure. I know I could be good for you. We could be good together. I know it. I hate that we rarely talk anymore...but most of the time I don't know how to talk to you because I don't know where we stand. I don't know what you think or how you feel. It's hard....
Do you remember when we broke up? We were in your apartment. You were laying on the floor and I was sitting in the chair. You just kept saying you weren't good for me. But then you said you didn't want to lose me in your life. Do you still feel that way? Do you still worry about losing me? I worry about losing you....or that I already have.. And I wish you wouldn't tell me you're not good for me. Let me chose. Let me decide who's good for me. I would pick you all over again.
Now that I've said too much and you probably won't talk to me agian. I'm done with this letter. I hope you think about some of the things I've said. Mostly about how you have so much to offer in this world and so much life left to live. If we never become anything more than friends. Or if we lose touch in a few years.... I hope you won't ever forget me and just know that I will always love you and care about you so much.
All my love...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, so I probably wouldn't say all of that to him...but it feels good to get everything I'm feeling off my chest. ♥
Celebration
I need to get better at this blogging thing. It's been a while since I've written.
So I got a new job this week. It is really weird to think that I will be leaving my job in a week. It's been like "home" for 8 months...and I hate thinking of that place as home. I have met so many great people there and I will really, really miss them. I just hope we can stay in touch after I leave....cause I really don't have many friends here.
I'm so looking forward to starting a new chapter. I can't wait to have less stress and have a normal working schedule. It's going to be weird for awhile....it's always hard to have to get to know so many new people. But I can do it. I can handle this. I have to.
So I got a new job this week. It is really weird to think that I will be leaving my job in a week. It's been like "home" for 8 months...and I hate thinking of that place as home. I have met so many great people there and I will really, really miss them. I just hope we can stay in touch after I leave....cause I really don't have many friends here.
I'm so looking forward to starting a new chapter. I can't wait to have less stress and have a normal working schedule. It's going to be weird for awhile....it's always hard to have to get to know so many new people. But I can do it. I can handle this. I have to.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Out of the Box...
Lately I've realized how "square" I am... I've the same hair color and cut ever since I can remember, I always wear pants and flats, I always dress super conservative, I never go out and do anything crazy....
This is about to change. I want to live life and enjoy it the best I can. I may not know what I want in most areas of my life.... but I know that I don't want to have any regrets. I'm gonna try and put myself out there and not hold back. If I know how I'm feeling about something I'm going to make sure it's known. I don't want to look back on these years (which are supposed to be the best ones....) and be disappointed in myself.
Some day soon...or in the up and coming weeks I think I may change up my hair style, and maybe even the color. I'm going to (on my limited budget) enhance my wardrobe. Maybe even get that tattoo I've been wanting. :)
I also just want to work on how I'm living my life. Volunteering with Habitat had made me realize I could be doing so much with my life and giving back in so many ways. I really do have a lot to offer and the world needs people who are willing to give. I need to stop being so selfish. Yes most times when I look at my life I hate it and wish practically everything in it was different, but I'm lucky. I have a solid job that pays well, a really nice apartment, a good car, loving friends and family.... and not everyone does.
I think I'm done letting my mind wonder for the night....at least with my fingers at the keyboard.
I put myself out there tonight, and haven't gotten a response. Hopefully I will soon. If I don't, at least I won't regret not doing it. :)
This is about to change. I want to live life and enjoy it the best I can. I may not know what I want in most areas of my life.... but I know that I don't want to have any regrets. I'm gonna try and put myself out there and not hold back. If I know how I'm feeling about something I'm going to make sure it's known. I don't want to look back on these years (which are supposed to be the best ones....) and be disappointed in myself.
Some day soon...or in the up and coming weeks I think I may change up my hair style, and maybe even the color. I'm going to (on my limited budget) enhance my wardrobe. Maybe even get that tattoo I've been wanting. :)
I also just want to work on how I'm living my life. Volunteering with Habitat had made me realize I could be doing so much with my life and giving back in so many ways. I really do have a lot to offer and the world needs people who are willing to give. I need to stop being so selfish. Yes most times when I look at my life I hate it and wish practically everything in it was different, but I'm lucky. I have a solid job that pays well, a really nice apartment, a good car, loving friends and family.... and not everyone does.
I think I'm done letting my mind wonder for the night....at least with my fingers at the keyboard.
I put myself out there tonight, and haven't gotten a response. Hopefully I will soon. If I don't, at least I won't regret not doing it. :)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Where Do I Go From Here?
Over the past couple weeks my life has just gotten a little hazy. There is so much going on I just feel like it's all a blur. A couple weeks ago I finally had the opportunity to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, something I've been wanting to be a part of since I was in high school. It was probably one of the greatest experiences of my life. I was installing windows and helping put up siding. It was the most manual labor I've ever done, but it was great. During my volunteer day I met a guy from Boston. He helped me install the last window on the house. He was way easy to talk to and wanted me to add him on Facebook...so I did. He and I have been talking ever since. Then I signed up to help with Habitat again two days ago. We were finishing the houses and it was just so awesome to meet new people and build a new community.
My love life has problems. I have no idea what I want. I have feelings for someone but I'm so scared to completely fall for him. I'm afraid he won't want me eventually and then I will get hurt again. My main focus in love right now is to protect myself. I have so many walls built up that it's so hard for me to get close to anyone. I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable and open for pain. This is probably all going to bite me in the ass eventually, but I just don't want to endure that kind of pain again.
As conceded as this sounds, I would be a great catch for any guy but none of them will ever know because once they hear "no sex" they are uninterested. What is so wrong about a girl who takes her time getting to know someone, who doesn't just jump into bed with a guy on the first (or even second) night, who has moral and is independent? Is it really that attractive to a guy to have a girl that will have sex with just anyone? This world is so sicken and so sex driven. Hopefully someday some guy will see me for who I am and respect the decisions I've made. But for now I guess being a non slut isn't enough for them...
Someday I will be good enough.
My love life has problems. I have no idea what I want. I have feelings for someone but I'm so scared to completely fall for him. I'm afraid he won't want me eventually and then I will get hurt again. My main focus in love right now is to protect myself. I have so many walls built up that it's so hard for me to get close to anyone. I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable and open for pain. This is probably all going to bite me in the ass eventually, but I just don't want to endure that kind of pain again.
As conceded as this sounds, I would be a great catch for any guy but none of them will ever know because once they hear "no sex" they are uninterested. What is so wrong about a girl who takes her time getting to know someone, who doesn't just jump into bed with a guy on the first (or even second) night, who has moral and is independent? Is it really that attractive to a guy to have a girl that will have sex with just anyone? This world is so sicken and so sex driven. Hopefully someday some guy will see me for who I am and respect the decisions I've made. But for now I guess being a non slut isn't enough for them...
Someday I will be good enough.
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