I will always love you...

I know, I know. Two posts in one day... But I just had to get all of this out of my head. This is a rough outline of a letter I'd love to send to someone. I might someday, but right now I don't think they would really appreciate it.

Dear _________,

I don't know how to even start this. Maybe I should just tell you that I know writing this all out is lame and kind of high school girl-ish, but it's the only way I can think of to get everything out and have you hear it all. It's not always easy to have a serious conversation with you. You always turn things into a joke and no one ever knows what you're really feeling.... but maybe that's what you intend to do all along...

When I met you I never thought things would go anywhere. Ever. I had just lost the "love of my life" and never thought I could feel that way again. Until I met you. You were nothing that I ever thought I wanted, but everything that I needed. The way you helped me through everything was amazing. Being with you made me feel so special again. I fell way too hard and way too fast. I'm still not sure what happened between us, or why it had to end. I wonder about it often. We are so different, yet so alike. Somedays I still think we are so good for each other.

I know you "know" this, but I love you. I've never said it to your face or even written it to you before. We broke up before I could. I've never grown to love or care about someone as quickly as I did with you....that could be why I have a problem with it now... I thought I knew what love was when I had my first love, but with you it was/is different. I care about you more than you know and more than I can show or expain. Just please always remember I care....

I know you hurt a lot of the time...I do too. I know you were hurt in the past, but I really wish you wouldn't let her control who you are today. It's been almost 3 years since my high school boyfriend and I broke up, and I've learned that he may have effected the person I was and the person I am today, but he has no effect on who I am becoming...who I'm going to be. He's out of the picture. I wish you could feel that way too. Am I complete healed? No. Do I have great self-esteem? No. Do I still get depressed and wonder how he fell out of love with me? Yes. But I know there is better to come for me and I just look at where my life has gone since then and how good I am doing. You have soooo much potential. I know I've told you that, but I really mean. You are talented and smart. You could do so much in life. You just have to convince yourself. There is more to life. It does get better.

You and me. I really don't understand our relationship. It makes no sense. You never act like we're "just friends". Some of the things you do and the things you say just don't add up. I'm not the only one who sees it either so I know I'm not just imagining it. I wish you could talk about how you feel. Maybe you really don't see me as more than a friend, I just wish you acted like that if that's how you feel. It does make it hard on me.... There are days I wish we could try it again. I wish you could see how much I love you and know that I would never hurt you. I know it sounds stuck up, but I'm a good catch. I don't cheat. I don't sleep around when I'm single. I have good values. I have morals. I'm just a good person. Sometimes I feel like a guy won't ever see that.... I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure. I know I could be good for you. We could be good together. I know it. I hate that we rarely talk anymore...but most of the time I don't know how to talk to you because I don't know where we stand. I don't know what you think or how you feel. It's hard....

Do you remember when we broke up? We were in your apartment. You were laying on the floor and I was sitting in the chair. You just kept saying you weren't good for me. But then you said you didn't want to lose me in your life. Do you still feel that way? Do you still worry about losing me? I worry about losing you....or that I already have.. And I wish you wouldn't tell me you're not good for me. Let me chose. Let me decide who's good for me. I would pick you all over again.

Now that I've said too much and you probably won't talk to me agian. I'm done with this letter. I hope you think about some of the things I've said. Mostly about how you have so much to offer in this world and so much life left to live. If we never become anything more than friends. Or if we lose touch in a few years.... I hope you won't ever forget me and just know that I will always love you and care about you so much.

All my love...

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Ok, so I probably wouldn't say all of that to him...but it feels good to get everything I'm feeling off my chest. ♥