There has to be something wrong with me. I'm so closed off. I don't trust people. I push them away.... I can have something so good staring me in the face, but for some reason it's not "as good" as I once had.. So I let it go. I continue to compare my feelings and what I think I should be feeling to those of the past. What if I never get to feel that way again? I know I thought that once, and then it came around again.... But you can only find that kind of love very few times before it just stops finding you. If you lose it so many times....why should you get another chance with it again?
Tonight I basically ended the closest thing I've had to a relationship for the past 7 months. Why? I didn't have that "feeling". I wasn't in love. Now, I'm alone. I have very, very few friends....and even fewer that I live close to. I wish I had a best friend right now. I've been without mine for quite some time now and there's just so much I want to tell her. So much I want to talk to her about; get her opinion on. I really miss her. She always knew me best and was always there when I needed someone. Now I just come home to my big apartment....and sit here. Alone.
I'm so very unhappy with my life. There are so many days I just sit here and wonder why I'm still here. I'm not doing anything great. I'm not doing anything special with my life. Hell, I'm really not even doing anything with my life. So why keep me here; miserable? Why do I have to keep suffering.. keep being alone? I hear about people dying...be killed or in accidents..... Sometimes I just wish it could have been me. Some of those people were just so great and were going places in their lives. They should still be here. Take me instead. I mean I'm not that important...
I have no motivation. I have no energy. I'm so unhappy with the way I look.... I'm really going to work on changing. I want to be happy. So badly. I want to look good and feel good about myself. My hardcore workout plan starts Monday. (I know I should just start tomorrow...and maybe I will...) I don't consider myself "fat", but I know I'm not at a healthy weight....plus I just hate seeing myself in the mirror and in pictures. I can change that. And I will. A few posts ago I set some pretty high athletic goals for myself, I need to just keep those in mind and work towards them. I can achieve them. And I will.
I know no one reads this. So I know I can use names, but I just don't like to.
But, I miss you. I miss you every single day. I wish you would give me just one more chance. You've given others so many countless chances that they didn't deserve. So just give me one more? We can be good together. I love you so much. More than you will ever know and probably more than anyone should. I hope some day you'll give me another shot at this. You won't regret it. I promise.
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